In every boy’s life, they reach a point, when they dig through their drawer, take out their ruler, and measure the size of their Johnson.

Now, as a girl (a smart one, at that), I am here to reveal a little secret…

An exceedingly large male sexual organ, otherwise known as a Big Dipper, Crowd Pleaser, Master of Ceremonies, or Mighty Meat; is NOT so exciting after all!

Here’s my story:

It was Thanksgiving Eve- you know… ‘1 of the biggest nights a year to go out,’ and a few friends and I pre-gamed a bit, and then went to the local bar. Once there, we ordered some beers, danced to Britney Spears, played some pool, etc. etc. Everyone was having a dandy time.

It was at that moment, I saw him- ‘Random.’ We went to high school together, but were in different grades. I hadn’t seen him in quite some time, but remembered him being pretty popular. He called me by my last name, came up to me, and kissed me hello (a notion of which I hate, btw). We talked for a little bit and he was on his way.

After a couple more hours of dancing to songs sung by silly pop idols of the time like Britney Spears, NSync, and Destiny’s Child (this was all pre-Crazy: refer to ‘Vegan Friendly Jam… or jelly?’), I walked up to him with grace and confidence.

He told me he had to smoke a cigarette and led me outside.

One menthol later, we were in the parking lot behind a van, making out hardcore. It was then he asked, “Want to come back to my place tonight?”

Freeze! And evaluate:

Here I was, being offered sex by a guy who I barely talked to in high school and who I hadn’t seen in at least 3 years. Any sane girl, would kindly respond, no thank you. But being the drunken mess that I was, I paused… and accepted.

Unfreeze!

Me: I’d love to.

My friends gave me dirty looks as I climbed into his van (the very same 1 from earlier) and proceeded home with Random. At his house, we started going at it the second we reached his bedroom. In 2 seconds I was naked.

FYI- To go with my adorably stylish outfit, I was wearing these exceptionally high white and beige strappy wedges.

Random: Hey, can you leave your shoes on?

Me: Um… sure (I tried saying this as sexily as possible, but in reality was tripping over myself while attempting to put my 6 inch heels back on).

5 minutes later, after my shoes were on secure and tight- we were on his bed. He started groping my genitalia, and it was wonderful.

Random: I don’t know if it’s going to fit.

I had heard the rumors about the size of Random’s red lobster, but didn’t believe them.

Me: Oh, it’ll fit.

It was then I saw him grab a large box from his drawer. Written on the front of that box was the word, Magnum. He put his party hat on and went for the gold. 1 minute later I was in more pain than an impregnated Linda giving birth to a 12 pound, 12 ounce Harry… it was, how do you say?- awful.

Me: Okay, stop. Stop!

He pulled his mister out and I noticed it was condom-less.

Me: Where is it!?

Random: You told me to take it off, remember?

Me: I told you to take the condom off? No- I do not remember!

So not only was his cock a doo huge… but he was a psycho, as well.

We tried to make love again, but for the second time, I noticed his baby protector was off.

Me: Where is it!?

Random: You told me to take it off again.

Me: Holy mother of England! I did no such thing… who are you!?

At this point I should have gone home. I mean, not only was the sex excruciatingly painful, but this guy was a liar, too.

Of course, the alcohol led me in another direction.

Me: Why don’t we go in the shower or bathtub?

In a drunken state, I figured if we were in water maybe it wouldn’t hurt as bad, and I at least wouldn’t have to worry about him taking his penile shield off, because he wouldn’t be wearing one.  Boy was I wrong. Not only was the baby making even more painful, but this time we were interrupted by his dad knocking on the bathroom door.

Dad: Son, are you okay in there? Why are you bathing at 4 in the morning?

Random’s mouth was on my chest.

Dad: What is going on in there?

Random: I’m fine, dad!

After 2 long and frustrating hours of trying to get off, we called it quits. I put on my clothes and shoes (had to take em off for the water show), and got in his car. Again, random kept referring to me by my last name.

Me: Do you even know my first name?

Random: Haha, what! Yes. Of course I do.

Me: So then what is it?

Random: I can’t believe you think I don’t know your name. I mean, really! That’s crazy.

A lot of people in high school did refer to me by my last name (I’m the youngest of 3), but I really wasn’t sure he (the guy who’s uterus eater was just inside me) knew any more than that.

Me: So what is it?

Silence.

Great! So not only did I sleep with, or rather attempt to sleep with, a guy with a huge dipper, but I slept with a psycho, a liar, and a scum bag, as well!

That day as I sat down for Thanksgiving dinner with my family, as we passed around the stuffing, cranberries, and corn, and told what we were thankful for, I belted out: Normal sized willies! …just kidding. But that’s certainly what I was thinking.

So the message to all you boys out there:

When the time comes for you to measure your Johnson, DON’T be disappointed if it’s no crowd pleaser. Most girls (unless they’re a porn star) aren’t interested. Then again, we don’t like ‘em small either. But yeah, that’s another blog for another day.