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You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.| Californication: The Trilogy, Part Deux |
| Friday, 07 December 2007 | |
 I awoke the next morning ready to wreak even more havoc upon the great state of California. I collected my things and yelled back to my lovely exchange student "Ich verspreche, dass ich Sie Baby rufen werde" which roughly translated means "I promise I will call you baby" (I know how to say that in 12 languages). I headed back to Scooner's place ready to tackle the next leg of our trip, a drive up to Lake Tahoe to visit an old high school buddy. Back at the apartment there is a broken lamp in the middle of the living room and Scooner is passed out in the middle of the kitchen floor ass naked, his German girl long gone. After several swift kicks to the ribs he was up and ready to punish his body some more. I called up Osirus to get the details of last night and make him aware that we intended to leave in about an hour so he would hurry his ass up. He assured me he'd be on his way after a quick shower (he did not hit it that night, as will be detailed later on). About 30 minutes pass before my phone rings. Me: What's up man? You ready? Osirus: Dude, when it rains it pours. Me: What the hell are you talking about? Osirus: The car is gone. After some truly exceptional detective work he realized that the car had been towed. Why you ask? HE PARKED IN FRONT OF A *%$&#$ DRIVEWAY! I've been fall down drunk myself plenty of times and I've certainly seen my share of bad park jobs, but how can one make that mistake with a RENTAL CAR, 3,000 miles from home? The worst part? Head Case was bone sober and didn't realize (as though she couldn't be more worthless). So now they have to go get the car out of hock while I'm left calling my buddy to explain why we're going to be late to Tahoe. I tell Scooner what happened and suggest that we call our German girls back for a morning edition of whack a hole, however there's a problem. Scooner informs me that his Bratwurst loving slam pig stormed out in a violent and destructive rage last night (explaining the broken lamp). Obviously I enquire as to what happened and this is the story I got verbatim: Scooner: Everything was going well right up until I was ready to blitzkrieg her face with my sponkenwenken (alright, I may have used some creative license on that sentence, but you get the idea) but she was totally against taking a face shot. She said I could aim at her chest but absolutely nowhere on her face. Well screw that, I want to blast her in the face. So I "accidentally" aimed a little too high and drilled a solid shot right into her eye. She screamed and went to get out of the way but slipped up which sent the rest of my load right into her hair. She ran through the living room screaming in German and threw the lamp at me. The next thing I remember is you kicking me in the ribs. There you have it folks: the "accidental" face shot at its best. Osirus finally called to update me on his status. It cost him $200 to get the car which pretty much drained his weekend funds and he is annoyed about last night. Apparently after the bar he was trying to work on Head Case the whole trip home but she wasn't responding at all. Back at her place she stepped into the bathroom to get ready for bed, but not before telling Osirus that he could sleep with her in the bed. Just when things were looking up she comes out with a complete face mask on (you know that green crap some girls cover there faces with at night because they're all vacuous whores)? That killed the mood for him so he elected to sleep on the floor. So not only is he completely fed up with Head Case but he's always pretty much broke. We have two more nights before catching our red eye on Sunday morning so we discuss our options: we can continue as planned to Tahoe or we can return the car, get a few bucks back and spend the next two days drinking an unsafe amount of alcohol as we tear up San Francisco. The choice is obvious. After dropping the car in a different vacant lot than the first we hopped the BART (San Fran's rail system) back into town, but not before picking up a liter of the Heritage Vodka which may be the worst liquid to every come from a distillery. We spent most of our afternoon stumbling down Haight Street, a hang out for out of work hippies and dealers. After a couple of hours of hippie bashing and war support we were back to USF. We explained the situation to Scooner who was understanding and more than happy to partake in drinking our faces off. While wandering the halls of a freshmen dorm a couple of girls invited us in for some beer pong. These girls were very into us, despite the constant call of "I need me some white bitches" emanating from Osirus. When I suggested we head back to the apartment they agreed, but first we were going to finish up our game. Before it was over their 3rd roommate showed up and was a complete bitch. She screamed at the girls for having guys over (I'm serious) and for drinking in the room. She stormed out and the girls followed her to calm her down. After a few minutes of waiting we decided we were too drunk to deal with this shit and we should probably just take off. Osirus decides to extract some cock block justice and proceeds to grab almost all the clothing out of bitch girl's dresser and throw them out the window. He literally emptied her drawers and closets. Back at the apartment Head Case calls up Osirus and asks him to hang out tonight. He agrees and makes a decree: he is other going to nail her or completely burn the bridge. I decide to call Martina, from the plane ride, and see if she wants to rip it up in downtown San Fran. Scooner is passed out at this point and it appears he will stay that way for a while. I met up with Martina for what ended up being an extremely fun, yet extremely uneventful night. Osirus, on the other hand, made good on his promise: one way or the other. ....!                       |
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