.
You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.| Californication: The Trilogy: Conclusion |
| Friday, 14 December 2007 | |
 As I said, my night with Martina was fun yet uneventful. We hit up Haight Street, drank our faces off, exchanged great stories, put a twenty in the juke box and tore it up. Nothing to write home about. I stumbled back to the apartment at around 3 am to find Scooner passed out on the living room floor (seems to be a trend with him) and to my total surprise he has accidental face shot German girl with him. They are out cold and I'm totally cocked, so I figure it'd be an awesome idea to pull the blanket off of them and take a picture on my phone. I got the blanket halfway off of them when this Berlin Beauty awoke suddenly and started to scream. When she screamed, I screamed. Scooner, awoken by the chaos, started to laugh. She wrapped the blanket around herself, slapped me dead across the face and stormed out, but not before throwing his blender at me on the way out, producing a big cut on my forehead and a barrel of laughs. Hey, it was her fault for coming back; those Germans just don't learn. The next morning I was awoken by the phone much earlier than I would've liked. It was Osirus letting me know that he was on his way home and I could hear it in his voice: he was ready to jump into "Ultimate" mode. *A quick explanation for those of you unfamiliar with the term: Ultimate mode is attained when you reach the point where you are at your absolute zenith of destruction and belligerence. Different people have different modes. My ultimate mode sees me saying things that should get me stabbed and/or arrested. Ultimate mode for Osirus means that he is ready to scar someone for life (usually a small, white girl). To be in Ultimate mode means to ignore the rules and consequences of society.* But not only is Osirus in Ultimate mode, he has Head Case coming to hang out for the day as well. It's about 10 am when the two of them arrive; Osirus is noticeably drunk and starts shoving vodka down my throat. Head Case realizes she left her phone in her car and steps out for a few minutes. Now there's something that you need to know as you read on: she stays bone sober through this entire day. You will find this interesting later on. So we three guys start playing some beer pong and after catching Osirus up on our respective evenings we eagerly ask how his night went. The following is the story he told as best I can remember it: "We went out for drinks with a few of her friends, one of which you'd love. He totally has your style of humor. Anyways, we had a few drinks at the bar and headed back to her place. When we got there I was trying to put the moves on her but she seemed unresponsive. So I said screw it, looked right at her, cut her off mid-sentence and said 'Are we going to bang or not?' She stopped, stared at me for a second and said 'Wait, you want to bang me?' I lost it. What did she think? I flew 3,000 miles to because I wanted to spend time with her!? So I decided to go with plan B. I called her an idiot and told her that every guy friend she had ever had didn't really like her and the only reason they were nice was because they wanted to bang her. I tore her universe apart; destroyed relationships she thought were sacred. I even told her I only came out here for that reason and never really liked her all that much. She was stunned. She didn't say anything for about 10 minutes. Finally I just said screw it and past out in her bed, forcing her to sleep on the floor." Amazingly, the next morning she wasn't mad at Osirus. In fact, she was kind of thankful for being told the truth (that and she's a complete psychopath). She came back in the apartment and we continued to booze it up. We decided to buy some 40's and wander around Golden Gate Park. If you ever want to see a pathetic cesspool of hippie lowlife scum book your ticket to San Fran and take the trolley on over to the Park. After a lovely hour or so of telling hippies to shower and throwing beer on them we decided to head to the freshman dorms, but not before buying a case of beer and a couple more liters of hooch. We set up shop in one of the dorm rooms where Scooner's buddy lived and engaged in a couple of drinking games. After about 20 minutes we receive word that a party has broken out in two of the rooms on the next floor so it's decided that we'll check out the action up there, but as Scooner and his buddy make their way out I tell them that Head Case, Osirus and I will be there shortly. They leave and I put my master plan into action. I know that Osirus came out here to damage this girls psyche even more and I'm going to help him get there. Me: Hey Head Case, Osirus and I were having this argument lately; maybe you can help us out. He thinks he's a better kisser than me and since we've kissed before (some old hookup we had way back when) you can be the judge. Head Case: Well, we haven't kissed in so long so I forget what you're like. Me: Fine, come here. (Against all my better judgment I make out with her). Alright, you're up Osirus. I then leave the room to the sight of them kissing on the bed. I head upstairs, make a few friends and drink a few drinks. About ten minutes pass and I figure I should check on Osirus since he has trouble sealing the deal from time to time. I head back up and crack the door too take a look at the action, only to find Osirus sitting on the bed talking with her. I come back in claiming I just wanted to grab a couple of beers. Me: Hey Head Case, you look good! You've put a few pounds on (she was practically emaciated back in college). Your tits look great. You went up a couple of sizes. Head Case: Thanks! Yeah they're a lot bigger. Me: Definitely. You should take your shirt off and let us see them. (She pauses). Here, I'll help. (I take her shirt and bra off then feel them up. I then start sucking on one. Remember, she is dead sober). These are nice. Osirus, come check these out (I am literally saying this with tit in my mouth). He makes his way over and I exit the room once again. I go back upstairs and figure now that I got her half naked he'd definitely be able to take this pony to the stable. While upstairs the party gets busted up by an RA. These kids are first semester freshmen and are noticeably nervous and upset as the RA's are checking student ID's. I, on the other hand, am 3,000 miles from where I live, have been in college for a number of years and am fast approaching Ultimate mode. This skinny little RA who can't be a day over 19 and looks/sounds like a cross between the squeaky voiced teen and comic book guy from The Simpsons asks me for my ID. Is this kid serious? He looks like he just came from a Star Wars masturbation party. I give him a Federal Breast Inspectors card, a gag gift I got from my sister a while back. Nerd boy tells me I need to give him a real ID. I tell him he needs to go play with his Boba Fet doll before I jedi mind trick my fist down his throat. He grabs his little walkie talkie and goes to call security to come upstairs. I decide that I have more to lose dealing with security than I do by just getting belligerent with young Skywalker here, so I officially phased into Ultimate mode; I grabbed the walkie talkie and threw it out the window. The look on this kid's face was priceless. He wanted to punch me so bad but knew his chances weren't good. He tried to push his way by me, to go alert security I imagine, so I pulled the back of his shirt over his head hockey fight style and pushed him. He went down and I ran, Scooner right behind me. We had to grab Osirus and get the hell out of there. I felt bad about busting in on the interracial slam fest that was surely going on, but this was an emergency. I busted in to find them sitting on the bed AGAIN, Head Case totally clothed. Me: Osirus! We've gotta get the fu- dude, why aren't you tearing into that? Head Case: Hey! Me: No time crazy girl, we've gotta run! I'll explain later. We head back to Scooner's apartment and I catch everyone up on what's going on. Head Case and her friends planned on meeting up tonight and she invites us out. Osirus and I decide to join her, Scooner decides to stay in and try to get Germany back over (apparently he doesn't value his appliances all that much). We jump in the car and head out to the bar. The first thing that happens when we arrive is I'm introduced to "Pat" who is the kid that Osirus swore would be by best friend because we were so alike in our sense of humor. Pat is clearly of Asian descent so upon being introduced I say "Nice to meet you! I loved you in the Karate Kid II!" He stares at me, clenches his fist, turns to Head Case and says "Your friend's an asshole. I'm leaving." The night was all downhill from there. Osirus has one sip of a drink and starts puking violently, first on the barroom floor then in the bathroom. I decide to start drinking combatively. I tell Head Case to throw down her card so that I can start putting drinks on her tab. Amazingly, she agrees (seriously, for all the bad things I have to say about this girl, she took a lot of abuse this weekend and shelled out a lot of cash on our behalf. She's still a lunatic who deserves to be treated like a second class citizen though). Of course none of her other friends like me because I "insulted" their other friend, so I start tearing into them. One of her friends was a fat black girl who looked like Esther Rolle which prompted me to sing the Good Times theme and refer to her as Florida all night. We eventually went to a Denny's where we ordered food on Head Case's dime once again. In addition to this I apparently (I don't remember this part) was eating food off of everyone else's plate and sang the Good Times theme for the entire duration of the meal. When black fatty would intervene I'd scream "Shut up Florida!" I'm a classy individual. Once dinner was over Head Case drove herself home since she lived right there and told us which busses to take home. It was 3 am and we couldn't see straight. There was no way we were finding our way home via the bus. We flagged a cab down since the ride from where we were to Scooner's apartment was no more than 5 miles. We piled into the cab, told the cabbie where to go and promptly passed out. When we awoke what was only a few minutes later we were nowhere near the apartment and our fare was $40. You do NOT rip of Osirus and me when we are in Ultimate form. He finally pulled up to the apartment and tried to charge us $50. I looked at Osirus and he knew immediately. Me: Yeah, our money is in the apartment. I'll run in and get it. Cabbie: Well, one of you has to stay here. Osirus: Yeah, no problem. I'll stay with you until he comes back. (I enter the apartment and pass right out on the couch. Here's what ensued outside). Cabbie: Where is your friend? Osirus: He's a drunken retard; I'll go get your money. Cabbie: I'm coming with you. The cab driver follows Osirus. Now, the apartment is technically on campus housing so you need to get by the front desk to get in. Scooner is good friends with all the desk workers and we've been schmoozing them the whole time we've been there so they let us come and go as we please. About 100 feet before the door Osirus makes his move and pushes the cabbie into the bushes and then sprints for the door! The cabbie is just collecting himself by the time Osirus gets in the door. He casually walks by the desk and comes to the apartment. I ask him how it went, he says fine and we pass out. The next morning we awoke at 5 am to catch our red eye. We're exhausted, we smell horrid and we're still drunk. I knock on Scooner's door (he actually made it to his room) to thank him and tell him we're taking off. He turns the light on, says his goodbyes and I'll be damned if that German slut wasn't lying right next to him in bed. I can only hope nothing got broken on the way out.                       |
| < Prev | Next > |
|---|
