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You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.| Californication: The Trilogy....part one |
| Thursday, 06 December 2007 | |
 A couple of summers back after college I decided to spend my time off on Martha's Vineyard. If you've never been you are missing out big time. Seriously, if you're reading this and you are still in college, get three friends together and start looking for places online. You will find work easily, you will find parties easily and unless you recently finished behind Rocky Dennis is a beauty contest you will get laid easily (mostly by gorgeous Eastern European women). But I digress. While on the island I became good friends with a kid "Scooner" whose sailboat was the location of many a good party. After the summer was over we stayed in touch and I decided that in January I'd take a trip out to San Francisco to visit him at school (hold the gay jokes you jerk offs).As I'm planning the trip my good buddy Osirus stops by my apartment one day with a bottle of hooch and a dream. As it turns out Osirus was planning his own trip to San Fran in an attempt to conquer a past quest in the form of "Head Case." Head Case is a girl we know from college who has more than her fair share of problems including, but not limited to, anorexia, depression, suicidal tendencies, anemia, poor grooming and stigmata (it could just be from her cutting her own wrists though). Now, let me point something out: Osirus is a very good looking black man who has a constant slew of hot, white pound puppies on his trail. But for whatever reason he likes to go for gnarly, disgusting hose beasts that ought to be ground up into pig slop. He had tried for years to introduce the Alabama Black Snake to her loony poon but constantly came up short. He was certain a west coast visit would seal the deal once and for all. On the plane ride over we were seated next to a gorgeous Latina girl "Martina" with whom we spent the entire plane ride exchanging stories. She had us dying with her tale of getting busted with a gallon of everclear in front of a boy's church choir while on a train ride from Northern Cali to San Diego. We landed, grabbed her number and headed over to the car rental agencies where we ran into a slight problem. No one would rent us a car without a credit card. Osirus doesn't own a credit card and I refused to bring one knowing that me + booze + California = bad decisions. We both honestly figured that if we were willing to throw down enough cash we'd be all set but that was not the case. Finally one of the guys helps us out. He tells us that he has a friend who runs an independent car rental agency and that he will rent to us. He makes a phone call and proceeds to have an entire conversation in Portuguese, after which he tells us that Julio will be here in five minutes. Julio picks us up, brings us to a vacant lot outside of a dentists office and after writing up a contract on the back of a cocktail napkin he threw us the keys to a beat up Honda Accord. Honestly, it was probably stolen. But alas, we were in the car and off to Scooner's place. A quick shower, a case of beer and we were ready to own the University of San Francisco. Nothing terribly eventful happened over the next few hours. Getting drunk, knocking on girls doors in the freshmen dorms, the usual. Night time falls and Osirus decides he's ready to head over to see Head Case. I throw him the keys and as soon as they're airborne I immediately knew something was going to go wrong. I've known Osirus for a long time and there's no way he will not screw something up. Scooner and I spent the night with two lovely German foreign exchange students. Here's a little tip for you gentlemen: German girls absolutely love American men and the reason for this is that German men are all extremely conservative prudes, while the German women are hog-thirsty fiends. You know that Amsterdam trip you've been planning? Head a couple hundred miles east instead. They especially loved the part of the night when I was giving the French exchange students a hard time, claiming that at any time they wanted to my girls could come right over and take their drinks and there was nothing they could do about it. That was pretty much my night; getting drunk with German girls and… well you can guess from there. Little did I know the havoc that Osirus was causing. Stay tuned for part 2!!!                       |
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