Just your everyday stuck up, tasteless, male humor blog. I talk about everything from my crazy sex antics to helping you accomplish yours. Love it or hate it, you are still reading the best trash on the web.
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We've all been there. The night's going well; things are looking up and that hot little sex kitten that's 8 cosmos and 2 shots deep is ready to get slammed harder than an Onyx reunion tour. But just when you're about to take her to your place it happens: the sex equivalent of Dikembe Motumbo shows up waving the finger at you.
The cock block comes in two main forms: the fat friend who is angry at all men because they always go for her hot friend and never her because even the biggest Star Wars fan does not fantasize about porking Jabba the Hut.
The other famous cock block is "the friend who doesn't realize they're cock blocking you". There are certainly other cock blockers, such as the guy friend who wants to bang the girl but doesn't realize he's never going to, but we're going to deal with these two.
The fat friend is the most common, and sometimes to fiercest, of the cock blocks. We all know this is where a good wing man comes in handy but that's already been covered, so we're going to cover a few alternative solutions. There's the classic give fatty a twenty and send her to get drinks, telling her that you'll be "right here" when she gets back. I pulled this at a bar in Boston and as soon as fatty left for the bar I grabbed the hottie and ran. Since I was taking a cab I thought ahead and had a buddy flag one down right before I sent fatty to the bar. Once we were in the cab we started slobbering all over each other. I remember her briefly asking where fatty was. I explained (i.e. lied) that she was going to catch a cab with my buddy and that they were into each other. She was happy with this answer and we continued our grope fest. Things were looking good but I wasn't in the clear just yet.
I grabbed her cell, explaining that mine was dead and I just wanted to call my friend at the bar to see when they were coming back. After making a fake call, I turned the volume on her phone all the way down. This way, if fatty calls, she can't cock block me via the phone. The rest is history my friends.
When we woke up the next morning my roommate, being the great wing man he is, explained that fatty came over late and left early. Two other surefire methods of dealing with fatty; head butt to the tits which will put her down long enough to get hottie out the back, or if you planned ahead you brought a couple of Wendy's junior bacon cheeseburgers with you just for this reason. Wendy's is like kryptonite to cock blocking fatties. Simply wave the burger in her face, throw it, and watch her run for it, much like a dog running for his favorite Frisbee. When she runs to the corner to eat simply grab hottie and walk out the front door.
Now for the "friend who doesn't realize he's cock blocking you" cock block. My friend Brett, while he can be an amazing wing man, is proficient in the art of the accidental cock block. My freshman year at college I was in a dorm room with my girlfriend at the time and we were invited upstairs by our friend "Lisa" whose roommate was gone for the night. As we entered her room, ready for a fun game of whack-a-hole, I noticed Brett in the room trying to score with Lisa. Despite her rejections Brett persisted, not realizing the whole time what was about to go down. Now, while this situation can be as aggravating as a fatty cock block, it is much easier to solve. I watched this happen for a while and then yelled "BRETT!! GET THE HELL OUT BEFORE I SNAP YOUR KNECK!!"
Most guys will get the message right away, but Brett takes a little more convincing so I went to plan B: physically picking him up and carrying him out of the room. I'm not completely heartless so I let him listen through the door and made both girls yell Brett's name when I asked them "Who's your favorite new kid??? Call me Donnie!"
Well there it is gentlemen. If you have any questions about how to deal with other kinds of cock blocks simply post a comment and you will be answered.
Readers have left 2 comments.
2. Comment Guest,
You make me want to be a lesbian, and I'm not at all attracted to women.
Posted 08-27-2007 18:30:46
1. Comment Dawn,
Your blog repulses me, yet I cant stop reading it. It is like a bad wreck on the freeway and I am getting an adrenalin rush watching them load bodies on the stretcher. Yeah, Im fucked up like that. Good stuff, you have a new reader.
We've all been there. The night's going well; things are looking up and that hot little sex kitten that's 8 cosmos and 2 shots deep is ready to get slammed harder than an Onyx reunion tour. But just when you're about to take her to your place it happens: the sex equivalent of Dikembe Motumbo shows up waving the finger at you.
