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You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.| Holiday Cock-Tails for You and Me! |
| Thursday, 29 November 2007 | |
 I bet you didn't know this, but in addition to being the master of the man-pistion, and the king of cock custard, I also happen to be quite skilled at the ability to mix a great alhoholic beverage. There is no time like the holiday season to drown your sorrows in booze, or to shamelessly pump some poor slam pig full of happy sauce in efforts to to pork the snot ouf of her. At your holiday party, try whipping up and of these three beverages- and perhaps you'll find a nice warm honeypot full of holiday cheer! Rudolph the Red-Nosed Roffie or Mrs. Claus's Secret Potion 1 oz 151 Proof Rum 1 oz unadulterated desire for cooch 1 oz coconut rum 1 oz pineapple juice Dash of grenadine 1 vacant backseat with prophylactics in the glove box. 1 candy cane (a literal candy cane, scumbag) Directions: Combine ingredients into a Martini shaker. It's key to add equal parts of both kinds of rum. The coconut rum and grenadine completely hide the taste of the over-proof rum, making the drink taste like it's got about as much booze as a Smirnoff Ice- but there's enough party potion in this drink to tranquilize an elephant. Two of these, and her legs should be wrapped around your head. Garnish with a candy cane to make this drink look innocent, family oriented, and wholesome. Dong-Huffing Egg Nogg or Grandma's Secret Recipe Egg Nogg 1 carton generic Egg Nogg mix 1 bottle 151 proof rum (notice a theme?) 1 whole lot of cinnamon and sugar 1 dash of brass balls Directions: Even if you're a complete dolt, you can make this work for you. Egg nogg by itself is an acquired taste, and usually rum makes it taste even worse. That is, unless you add liberal amounts of cinnamon and brown sugar to the virgin form before you dump a bunch of booze into it. Chicks love things with sugar- this will make your slam pig giddy, chatty, and pretty soon, unspeakably drunk- as these ingredients have an uncanny ability to mask the taste of rum. If you're looking to plunder a diabetic chick, this is not the cocktail for you. The Merry Christmas Money Shot 1/2 an ounce coconut rum 1/2 an ounce 100 proof vodka 1/2 an ounce peppermint schnapps a dash of lemon lime soda 1 candy cane Directions: If you're trying to conquer a chick who's a bit our of your league, or perhaps your girlfriend's mom/older sister/grandmother this holiday season- then it's time to break out this time honored favorite. Simply combine these ingredients into a rocks glass, give that puppy a tumble, and whamo! You've got something that taste's like peppermint candy and is potent enough to kill a cache of Elves! Three of these, and she'll be dashing into your pants for a one horse open ride on our sex sleigh! Note: ODB does not condone drinking to excess. Enjoy your booze responsibly, morons.                       |
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