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You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.| Deuce Dropping Etiquitte For You and Me |
| Wednesday, 05 December 2007 | |
 One night not too long ago, my buddy Mark and I went out for some fine Mexican cuisine. I'm talking like some of the best refired beans and spicy fish tacos this side of Cazumel. I hadn't feasted on south-of-the border fare of this magnitude since spring break in Cabo, where I probably fathered 5 illegitimate children. Hopefully I'm dead before the Mexican government get's the paperwork in order. But I digress. After inhaling three large pitchers of margaritas (anyone who orders frozen or flavored ones in any circumstance should be assassinated) we decided to head out to some local watering holes in search of some tail. Midway through, Montezuma had his revenge on my anus, and I was forced to miss much of the action while a series of crippling, life-altering dumps took over my life. Once I was done, that seedy unventilated bathroom was about as toxic as Trynobyl on a warm summer day. Mark, however, did a great job. He got invited back to this girl's house, and was getting her ready to receive an industrial-sized load of pounding paste when disaster struck. He was halfway through unbuttoning his zipper when his body betrayed him, and he was forced to unleash hordes of Mexican cuisine into her small apartment's toilet, thusly ruining his chances of his sex sombrero ever making an appearance. In light of this senseless tragedy, I think it's important that we review the two key mistakes that were made in this incident. 1. Never eat Mexican food (outside of spring break) and consume alohol when you think there is a remote chance you may be giving the gift of screw goo to anyone who isn't comfortable with your forthcoming gastro-intestinal distress 2. If rule #1 is broken. drop a deuce in a discreet location- even if you have to really push it out there. your anus may be angry, but your man piston will thank you. How else does one manage the act of attaining casual sex with shameless whores and unleashing the inevitable batch of hot liquid doom? Here are some important tips to consider. -If you're dropping off a girl at her house and she date has gone terribly- or she balked at the idea of giving you a handie in the movie theatre, it's always a classy move to unleash a deuce in her bathroom right before leaving. -If you're at a girl's parents house, its important to only deuce when absolutely necessary. When deucing, use the least trafficked bathroom- the same one you'd use to shag your girl during Thanksgiving (see the bog below) or some other holiday. -If your slam pig is cavalier enough to tell you when she has to drop a deuce, she is either an amazingly cool girl, or is a shameless farm animal who should be put out to pasture and clubbed with a cattle prod. -Wash your hands after deucing so you don't give some poor chick pink eye when you re spearing her intestines with your Johnson later on -If you're a sadistic pig, as many ODB readers happen to be, then The Cleveland Steamer is always an option. Ask you dad what it is if you don't know what I'm talking about. He will provide you with an answer. -Deucing and then masturbating, while a good idea at home or in those really roomy bathrooms in Starbucks, is far too risky of an act to be considered in a public place. For public spanking tips, please see "Jerking it on the can while workin for the man", one of my finest pieces of work.                       |
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