Just your everyday stuck up, tasteless, male humor blog. I talk about everything from my crazy sex antics to helping you accomplish yours. Love it or hate it, you are still reading the best trash on the web.
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My blogging excellence has awarded with this really cool nomination. Please vote for this blog, and I will redouble my efforts to provide classy, refined sexual trash for your reading pleasure.
You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.
So give it a shot. You know you want to. Send me your dirtiest tale or tip and I may publish it here on Old Dirty Blog. Who knows? It might inspire me to go off into the world and use your tactics to spread some sex sauce all over some young coed, and of course write about it here.
I was in Pennsylvania to see a Phish concert once. The venue was somewhere between a cow pasture and the edge of the freakin’ planet. I'm talking about a barren wasteland of pastures, rolling hills, and inbred people are far as the eye could see. For some reason, Phish had decided to invite thousands of horny, scantily clad people pumped full of psychedelics to this god-forsaken place to hold a concert. I was all over it like Dr. Phil in a room filled with under aged Thai schoolchildren.
My buddies and I camped out, and got horribly intoxicated before the show began. I'm talking 5-alarm Betty Ford blasted here. I don't much remember the concert, but I do remember meeting this absurdly busty girl named "Star" who liked looking at me. Star was evidently a local girl who had few life goals other than abusing substances and watching Phish. She ranged in age anywhere from 18 to 25, and the sheer girth of her fun bags ranged anywhere from "ginormous" to "unbelievably colossal".
After slapping it around a bit during the show, she convinced me to come back to her place, seeing as that her parents aren't home. She assures me it isn't far away. So, I head out into the boondocks and tell my friends to wait up for me. I figure a little rustic dick and dash will be an outstanding time- and seriously, she had juggs that could orbit Saturn.
Her house was a pedestrian 40 minutes away. Great. But I took some solace in the fact that she was handling my joust like an American Gladiator, while I went spelunking in the glorious valley of her juggs. Did I mention they were huge?
We got back to her house, and I immediately saw an in-ground pool. Driven by a night where I had consumed my body weight in Wild Turkey and Moonshine, I asked her if skinny dipping would be a solid move. She agreed.
The next two minutes were absolutely awesome. I was able to pull off the coveted "David Hasslehoff diving board backwards blast", which involves getting her to ride you reverse-cowgirl style while you hang off the diving board in the deep end. It really gets chicks going. However, things took a turn for the worse when, while watching her shadow bounce about on my pounding pole, I noticed the silhouette of a large, speeding pickup truck pull into the driveway.
My first thought was immediately that this was a disaster waiting to happen. My second thought was that if I really concentrated, I could let loose a load of cock-mustard into her before anyone was the wiser. So I went to work, pounding away at her like I was mincing chop meat with my penis.
Before I could un-attach myself, Star's mother cam roaring into the backyard. She looked like Roseanne Arnold after a six day bender- but I could see where she got the jugs from. What resulted was something out of a bad lifetime movie, as "Roseanne" went on and on about being disrespected and Star, who was naked and just as mangled as I was, slurring her words and telling her mother that it was her life and that she love me….Whoops.
Then her, father appeared. He looked like Bill Goldberg if he had been born with clef palate. He was a man of few words. He walked right over to the deep end, where I was trying to stroke myself off into the pool filter so I wouldn't be getting out of the pool with an erection so stiff you could run a flag up it.
"Boy, get out the pool I'll take you home," he said.
I didn't want to argue with a man the size of Montana, so I agreed. All the time this was happening, mother and daughter were still screaming at each other like Maurey Povitch was taping it, and Star was still butt naked. Her juggs bounced when she said anything particularly emphatic.
After clumsily dressing myself and making sure I had my wallet and some condoms, I followed this huge man to what I supposed would be certain death.
"Where you live boy?"
"Well, actually, I'm staying in a tent...."
After 40 minutes of really, really awkward silence, this mammoth of a man dropped me off in front of my tent, where my buddies still hadn't returned from their night of mirth.
"If I see you again, I'll gut you like a fish, boy" was my goodbye from this man. I was certain he was going to rape and murder me.
Upon walking into an empty tent, I realized I had some unfinished business, and particularly a bad case of blue balls…which I proceeded to take care of promptly.
Readers have left 2 comments.
2. Comment Whatever-ishere,
thanks for the GREAT post! Very useful...
Posted 11-21-2007 15:46:33
1. Comment JemitteDeta,
You don't really need or want that lifestyle, it might hurt y'all slowly more.......Just tell him you don't wanna repeat something your not too proud of z7uas.
You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.
I was in Pennsylvania to see a Phish concert once. The venue was somewhere between a cow pasture and the edge of the freakin’ planet. I'm talking about a barren wasteland of pastures, rolling hills, and inbred people are far as the eye could see. For some reason, Phish had decided to invite thousands of horny, scantily clad people pumped full of psychedelics to this god-forsaken place to hold a concert. I was all over it like Dr. Phil in a room filled with under aged Thai schoolchildren. 
.
