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You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.| Escort Negotiations: Getting the Most Bang for your Buck |
| Tuesday, 31 July 2007 | |
 It's 4 am, you've been drinking all night with your buddies, the girls have already left and there are only two options left: take turns wearing a blindfold and dishing out handies, or open the phone book and find a single mom who needs cash now. Calling an escort is a right of passage for all young American males and it's important to know how to make the most of the experience. Hey, if you're going to play STD Russian roulette you may as well go all out. The following is pretty much every experience I've ever had with a cum-catcher for hire.When she arrives you should offer her a drink, but nothing good of course. You wouldn't enter a donkey in the Kentucky Derby, so why would you pour Hennessey into some desperate, disease ridden slam pig? Grab her Popov rocks, or a warm can of Genesee (drugging her isn't mandatory, but it certainly can't hurt) and make some small talk with her. Use this time to develop a strategy for implementing some kind of depraved sex act on this unsuspecting gutter slut (see “Oops! Accidental Anal and You” or “Peek-a-boo” for ideas). After you've developed an entrance strategy take her to your sister’s room and have at it. She'll feel you up for a while and then after your pants come off she'll put the rubber on with her mouth and perform the coveted hooker BJ. While she's going to town on your yogurt cannon, be sure to call her by degrading names. After all, if you call your girlfriend a worthless prostitute she'll probably stop what she's doing. But then again, she doesn't have to use the Sunday comics as diapers for her two kids from different daddies. After she's worked your now herpes infested man piston, it's time to put her on her hands and knees and get your money’s worth. The best part of tearing up hooker box is that you can bury to the hilt with impunity. Seriously, try to scramble some organs. If she doesn't need dialysis after you're done with her, then you didn't get your money's worth. Also important: every now and then while you're slamming into her, be sure to look down to make sure your condom is still on and in-tact. In the case that it isn't withdraw from her and immediately apply rubbing alcohol and raid to your Johnson. You should have both things in close proximity. The last thing you need is to be baby daddy number seven. If all is going well, it's time to go “Greek". This is where the "oops" move can work to your benefit, though truth be told I cannot in good conscience advise anyone to butt blast a call girl. But if you're braver than I then go for it. If she objects you may have to throw some more cash at her, probably 20 to 100 dollars depending on how much abuse she took as a child (this is where drugging her earlier may help). While taking her butt bowling you must make her call you Ron Mexico. When you're ready to let fly your baby batter, try to negotiate a money shot. If she agrees but charges you for it, be sure to get it in her hair. Once finished, be sure to hurry her out of your house before your sister gets home from her actual date and then take a rape shower (the rubbing alcohol and raid combo is still useable here). While you're trying to sleep you will promise yourself that you will never do that again, which is a sad lie. Just remember, at least your life isn't as bad as hers.                       |
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