I'd like to dedicate this post to my friend Brett, who once told me that he wanted to get to know a woman on their first date, not try to get her to play with his penis- which is a horrible and tragic confusion that needs to be addressed immediately.
 
Many people casually encounter each other at work or through some mutual friends and decide to give romance a shot by going out for food, drinks or both. There was a time when this first romantic encounter was reserved for people to get to know one another, and see if they had some sort of romantic interest in each other. Back in the day, no one except the skankiest tramp around would go near the schlong on date one- and I think it had to do with being respected, or something.
 
THESE DAYS ARE OVER! You heard it here first: the face of dating has changed. Maybe it has something to with global warming- climate changes have warmed vaginas the world over to the point where any girl worth anything is willing to give you a handjob, or at least a casual dick tug, the first time you go out with her.
 
How is this possible, you may ask? How did we get here? That's something for a person who went to college to answer, not for me. I'm telling you what I know.
 
The formula to get finally get something other than yourself handling your johnson is actually pretty easy- take everything you had thought about first dates, and throw them out the window.
 
Don't take her to cafe “OO La La” or some cliché bistro on the upper west side. Today's fast-paced woman doesn't need that kind of wishy-washy crap- and Foie Gras is gross anyways. We want happy hour, we want excitement. They want a crowded bar where they can disappear, or find someone else's dick to stroke, if you turn out to be bizarre, or into Star Wars.
 
Don't talk about yourself. Really, if there's something they want to know, they will ask. Nowadays babes keep it simple- maybe re-hash some drinking stories from college- you know, about that incident when she took some Vicodin and her bra ended up on the lawn. If a woman begins to talk about her feelings, or her views on abortion- run like you have never run before.
 
It's okay to talk about your past sex life. Really, it'll be nice to know that someone else other than her has given you the eventual hand job you'll receive if you don't mess this up. Maybe if you're not a complete idiot you might even get farther than that, but that's for the second date.
 
Remember, a good rod tugging is like a handshake nowadays. It's a thank-you for spending 8 bucks a pop on my apple martinis and keeping her lonely, insecure self, company for the night. Around date three, after you've seen her naked, then we can talk about our hometowns, and what my last name is.