| Pork Her While Watching Pig Skin This Sunday |
| Wednesday, 05 September 2007 | |
 This Sunday, one of America's great traditions will return, and men everywhere will rejoice. After five long weeks of annoying, anti-climactic pre-season games, the NFL is finally back, and will present a full docket of gridiron glory for our collective enjoyment every Sunday- which, to any full-blooded American male, is a day reserved for drinking and mirth. Oftentimes, however, your girl wants nothing to do with football. Be it estrogen or ignorance, it's hard to get them into the bone-crushing, awe-inspiring ritual that you love so dearly. Oftentimes, she'd rather spend her Sunday shopping, or baking things. How do you remedy this problem? It's simple. Promise to pound her box all Sunday afternoon. It can be done without missing a moment of pigskin action, and you can trust me since I’m an expert at this. Bringing this coed over for some football will probably pay off as soon as she walks in the door. Tell her to dress “really casual", and hopefully she'll show up in tight sweatpants and a tank top. That's a great start. Also, by the time Deon Sanders and Dan Marino are going through their pre-game analysis at 12:30, it's a great time to start boozing. Sacrificing your holy Miller Light for some cheap champagne early on will get her juices flowing. If she's a high maintenance chick, maybe shove a Hot Pocket down her throat as a nice appetizer to the inevitable inhaling of your meat rocket later on. It's important to be really thankful that she sacrificed her Sunday to come over. Tell her how important it is that she's here spending your favorite day of the week with you. A rookie mistake is to try to explain to her what's going on during the game. If she doesn't ask, don't tell her. It’s through boredom and complacency, coupled with some wordless encouragement that exploring your special teams unit is a lot better than watching punt returns on TV. Before halftime, it should be child's play to get her to give you a solid hummer. If you ask me, there is no better feeling than drinking a brew (you should have switched to beer by now), and getting a solid ball licking while watching your favorite overpaid receiver make an impossible catch. I like to eat corn chips and rest my brew on her head while she's giving my monument a tongue bath, but that's just me. Halftime is a great time to really go animal kingdom on this poor girl. Give her a solid on-the-couch ravaging so you can still listen to Jim Brown and John Madden analyze the first half while she’s getting crushed like a quarterback in the backfield. Sometimes I even feel like they are covering the play by play. To increase your endurance, think about the most important plays that you saw during the game, and how they’ll affect your fantasy team; however you will probably lose points for going to the computer to check. You can do that while she's cleaning the touchdown taffy off of herself in the bathroom later on. As halftime ends, maybe now is a good time to explain to her what she missed while she was servicing you during the first half. It's also a time to get her drinking heavily, so she's good and loaded by the time there are about 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter, so she is up for the coveted "Joe Willie Namath Victory Dance Special." As the game is winding down, and your team is on the precipice of glory. Get her all moistened up, and let her think you're gonna take her missionary style on the coach during the end of the game. She might think you're being sensitive by missing the dramatic conclusion so you can give her a good throttling as payment for watching football all afternoon- but, in reality, you're not doing anything like that at all. In a move reminiscent of Lawrence Taylor in the 1980s, get her on her hands and knees, facing the TV. Then, it's time for some old-fashioned doggy-style. Make sure to take your beer and a bowl of corn chips with you. Eating and drinking while pounding away is a key here. As your the two minute warning is called, it's time to really go to town on her slam hole like your a fierce defensive end, and it's a goal line stand. At the 30-second mark, its great to take her legs out from under her, and blow an Orlando Pace sized load into her as the coaches are shaking hands midfield. Then, promptly kick her out so your buddies can come over for the 4:00 game! Or, at best, send her into the kitchen to make you some chicken nachos.                       |
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