Just your everyday stuck up, tasteless, male humor blog. I talk about everything from my crazy sex antics to helping you accomplish yours. Love it or hate it, you are still reading the best trash on the web.
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You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.
So give it a shot. You know you want to. Send me your dirtiest tale or tip and I may publish it here on Old Dirty Blog. Who knows? It might inspire me to go off into the world and use your tactics to spread some sex sauce all over some young coed, and of course write about it here.
As a youth, I remember idolizing guys like Gordie Howe, Wayne Gretzky and Mark Messier (even though my dad always told me Messier was a turtleneck wearing pole smoker). Above all things, one of the great spectacles that all three men accomplished fairly easily was the hat-trick, or scoring 3 goals in one game. People are so in love with the concept of hitting pay dirt three times in one night that when it happens, everyone throws their sweaty, dandruff filled hats onto the ice in celebration. I don't how that stupid tradition caught on, but it probably came from Canada. Go figure.
I'm here to tell you, however, that hat tricks are not simply reserved for hockey superstars to pull off. Guys like you and me can pull off our own special kind of hat trick, that is just as difficult probably requires more skill and precision that slipping three pucks past the goalie in one night. In the world the rest of us occupy, you can accomplish a hat trick by engaging in dirty, raunchy sex with three chicks over a 24 hour span. Hookers and dead people do not count.
Committing this kind of depraved act takes a good deal of planning, and a little bit of luck. First of all, you need to have consistent piece of ass- a girl that gives it up all the time, whenever you're interested. You need to make sure she is available for a casual slam at any point during the day of your attempted hat trick. It's her flexible sex schedule that's going to be key in pulling off the two more complicated lays during the course of the day.
For me, I always liked to start off my hat trick with a morning ride (of the reverse cowgirl variety) from my busty young mistress, who had slept over the night before. Technically, tearing into a slam hole anytime after midnight on the day in question does count toward a hat trick, but I consider that cheating- very much like how an empty-net goal still counts towards the hockey hat trick. (The way I look at it, the next day doesn’t really start until your intoxication turns into a hangover.)
Either way, while you’re steady, more wholesome piece of tail is out with her friends having a blockbuster kind of night. Take a sultry young girl with flexible morals out drinking with the boys. Pump her full of tequila and false promises, and convince her to come home with you.
After a rollicking evening, which is probably a great time to try the 'oops', give her a morning dose of aunt Jemima's homegrown sex syrup, and cover her mouth with your pillow so your mom doesn't hear her wail like a sheep in heat. In my case, I immediately kicked all my hat trick victims out of my house as soon as the bang butter made landfall, because there was much preparation to do for my next conquest.
Once you drop off the mistress at the park and ride, or, at community college (high school chicks will land you an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty while trying for a hat trick), it's time to get home and prepare. I personally like to wash myself thoroughly, especially cleaning my rod. Its key not to stroke it in the shower, as you're gonna need all the ammunition in your arsenal for the conquests to come.
During the afternoon, it's time to see your sure thing. Save your money and don't buy her lunch or anything, but maybe listen to her story about her fun-filled evening with her annoying homely friends before you pork the snot out of her. I like to make the excuse that I have 'work' to do all night, so I can't spend more than an hour or two with her for the entire day.
By now it's 2pm, and there's already 2 notches my belt. The third one is always the hardest, because you've already pile drove your regular cooch, and your sporadic mistress ass. Now, you need to find a real thoroughbred for number three.
While it is often fun to go out and hunt down a fresh steer while out drinking with your wingmen, it is wise to plan ahead when pursuing glory like this. A week before your hat trick attempt, begin casual conversations with a girl you haven't seen in awhile and does not know girls #1 and #2 very well at all. If she dislikes them, it's even better. Invite her out with you and your buddies, who, after seeing you score last night, will know that you are teetering on the precipice of glory.
Your friends should to everything they can to make you look wholesome, upstanding and, "really into" girl #3. Make it seem like you haven't been laid in a month or so, even though your Johnson is recovering from back-to-back trap already. What I ended up doing was asking to go back to her place, as I am way too lazy to make sure that girl #1 didn't leave her hair clip or a broken condom floating around my room from the night before.
Now, like Cinderella, you only have until midnight to accomplish this task- so going to happy hour and shoveling booze down her throat is better.
When I first accomplished the hat trick, I did it in truly dastardly fashion. After girl #3 appeared to be randy enough to go the distance, I bought her out to my car to "show her my new stereo". It was then that the panties came off. I smashed her into a backseat like a crash test dummy, and I remember looking at the clock in the car while pummeling her vigorously to see that it was 11:53 when I dumped a half gallon of man mayonnaise into her, signaling my ultimate victory.
She went inside to go to the bathroom, and I promptly took off. She had already served her purpose, and now, I was a legend, just like Gretzky, Howe and all the rest.
Readers have left 4 comments.
4. Comment ODB AUTHOR,
While I see your point, hookers don't count because attaining them does not require skill so much as it requires having some loose cash and reliable profalactics.
Posted 09-24-2007 09:27:57
3. Comment the Ace,
Messier is in fact a turtleneck sporting pole smoker ... basically all those Ranger fags are.
Posted 09-19-2007 14:21:15
2. Comment Guest,
Dunno y hookers dont count..Recently rode 2 hookers in Amsterdam and flew back to Dublin,gave wife her credit card back,and had dirty "welcome home you been gone so long" sex.
Posted 09-16-2007 08:03:06
1. Comment Crapspew,
Gretzky... you totally have my respect. The hat trick is the ultimate. A close friend of mine has also pulled this off. Two of the girls were best friends .... haha lol beat that!
You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.
As a youth, I remember idolizing guys like Gordie Howe, Wayne Gretzky and Mark Messier (even though my dad always told me Messier was a turtleneck wearing pole smoker). Above all things, one of the great spectacles that all three men accomplished fairly easily was the hat-trick, or scoring 3 goals in one game. People are so in love with the concept of hitting pay dirt three times in one night that when it happens, everyone throws their sweaty, dandruff filled hats onto the ice in celebration. I don't how that stupid tradition caught on, but it probably came from Canada. Go figure. 
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