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You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.| A Horrific Night at Amherst |
| Wednesday, 10 October 2007 | |
 Usually ODB is a place to read about deviant sexual acts that should land me on a nation wide blacklist for all college girls to read. However, I absolutely have to recount the events of my weekend at Umass Amherst. A high school friend D-Mac was heading back to his alma mater to booze for a halfway to St. Patrick's Day celebration at one of the local college bars. The plan is get loaded at the Umass bars on Friday night then return the next morning for and all day drink-a-thon at this one bar McMurphy's. He tells me it'll be a bastion of loose women, free shots and possible arrest. I'm emphatically in. I, D-Mac and his buddy Droopy set sail for Umass while putting down brass monkey's in the car. (For those who don't know, to make a brass monkey you get a 40 of malt liquor, drink about 8 ounces, and fill the remainder with orange juice. It's delicious). We arrive in Amherst, a true college town, check into our motel room, put down a few beers and take off for McMurphy's. We're putting down drinks, getting free shots and taking chances all around. The guys want some tail so I find three girls, buy a round of shots and things are looking up. I'm talking to girl number 1, things are going great, and I've got these three ready to join us back at the hotel when something terrible happened. I see Droopy whisper something to Girl number 2 who then comes over and whispers something to girl number 1. She looks at her friend, looks at me and says "You and your friends need to leave right now." I'm stunned and try to ask her what happened but she'll have none of it. "Just go. Sorry, but your friend cock blocked you. I like you, but your friend can't say something like that to my friend. Sorry." Me: Droopy, what the hell did you say to that girl? Droopy: What? I have no idea. He has no clue what he said to the girl! But it was so bad it caused these girls to switch from "should I swallow your man sword at the hotel or here in the bathroom" mode to "you guys disgust me and need to leave" mode. What could he possibly have said? No problem though, as I know a couple girls who go to nearby Amherst College. I call up my friend "Pam" and tell her the situation. She tells me her and a couple of cute friends are ready to come drink with us back at the hotel. We stumble out of the bar and walk to the car. On the way we pass a house which is inhabited by a few guys that my buddies don't like. I decide that I need to earn my Amherst stripes so in an act of allegiance and absolute stupidity… I shat on their porch. I don't know what I was thinking, but I squatted right down on the front porch and let it all out. I quickly used some leaves to wipe and we were out. We drive down to Amherst and upon pulling into the college, D-Mac goes down the wrong way of a one way, drives over the lawn and then up on a sidewalk. Not surprisingly an Amherst College officer (Amherst has real cops as security) pulls out behind us. I'm not worried, as I'm sure D-Mac will play it cool and drive out of the college and get back to the main road. So what does he do? He pulls into a parking spot, gets out of the car and starts sprinting from the scene. Droopy follows suit and runs away right after him. I get out of the car and stand there, as running will do no good. The officer asks me what those two are doing to which I reply "I have no idea." Without being told to, they both come back to the car and tell the officer they're Amherst students. Great plan! They'll never know you're lying. The officer asks D-Mac for some id and goes to his cruiser to run his license. D-Mac, in a drunken haze, starts blaming me for what happened. D-Mac: I hope you're happy that you just got me a DUI dude! Me: (Laughing at the ridiculousness of this) Are you serious dude? D-Mac: Glad you find this funny ass! A second officer has come over at this point and runs D-Mac through about four sobriety tests, all of which he fails. After a while the cops take his keys and amazingly let us go, after making us call a cab. Right as we're getting in Pam finds me on the street and tell us her and her friends are ready to come with us. I try to go talk to her but he cop yells at me to get in the cab, so once again we're without women. Back at the motel our key isn't working. I tell Droopy that I'll keep trying while he goes to the front desk to tell them our key sucks and we may need assist- BAM!!! I turn around and can't believe what I see; D-Mac has kicked in the door. He kicked a hotel door off the hinges. We enter the room and 45 seconds don't pass before cops are knocking at the door. Droopy answers and one of the officers asks who broke down the door. Droopy looks at the cop, looks down at the broken door pieces, looks back up and says "Officer, I have no idea what you're talking about." D-Mac and Droopy are flagrantly lying, insisting that the door is fine. The officers are irate at this and the fact that Droopy has slept with one of the cop's sister's is not helping the situation. I sit on the bed laughing out loud at the scene when one of the cops asked me what happened. I look at him, grab a beer and crack it before saying "I have no comment." Somehow D-Mac convinces the cops not to arrest him. He has now beaten a DUI, breaking and entering, destruction of property, drunken disorderly and disturbing the peace and we've been cock blocked twice, once by a mystery comment and once by a near DUI. That, my friends, is what taking chances is all about.                       |
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