| Lights, Camera, Handjob! |
| Monday, 06 August 2007 | |
 We've all been in this situation before. Sitting in a movie theatre, watching a movie that just isn't all you thought it would be, next to a hot little piece of ass who is jonesing to drink a pint of your screw goo later on that evening. Sometimes, especially if you're sitting in the newest Harry Potter flick, for example, a man's mind begins to wander. A man begins to think to himself, "wow, wouldn't it be great get my Johnson tugged violently during this film?" Being the recipient of the coveted "Charlie Sheen theatre handie" is not as easy as many people think. Unless you're dealing with a complete slam pig, it takes accuracy, precision, and above all things- planning. Moreover, if you are in fact out for a night on the town with a girl who you know is giving it up, it's unbelievably dumb to even spend money on the movie tickets when you could spend that hard- earned cash on prophylactics and booze. But, if you're going to have to work for it, here's what you do. First of all, you don't need to sit in the back of the theatre to be able to successfully manipulate a cinematic cock rub. In fact, a chick who isn't totally into stroking your pole at the beginning of your evening might be a bit turned off by you taking a b-line for the row of seats usually reserved for perverts who spank off during movies (ESPECIALLY if you're seeing Harry Potter). The key is picking the right movie at the right time. Going to a movie premiere on a Friday night and expecting to get a hand job is for experienced professionals, like myself, only. For novices, I suggest a matinee of a flick that's fairly old (at the present time, try 'Knocked Up- there's some pole-riding in the beginning that should get her nice and randy) and not very densely populated. Also, sit towards the middle of a row that's the least conspicuous place. It's downright moronic to gently place her hand onto our lightning rod during the previews. Any worthwhile piece of ass should deck you in the jewels for that one. You need to get her ready first. A little jug caressing and high rubbing usually works here. Then, very subtly, move her hand towards Action Jackson- and give a look- kind of like when Aladdin was trying to get Princess Jasmine onto his magic carpet...instill in your victim that she should trust you before rubbing your pole in a public place. If it's wintertime, covering your exposed sex stick with your jacket is a fine way to hide the fact that she's in full-fledged hammer-jerk during a motion picture. If it's summer, bringing a sweatshirt into the theatre "because the air-conditioning if freezing and one of us might be cold" is a fine idea. If you don't have either of these options, just be ever vigilant. People can get arrested for this- and lose their jobs as an actors on children’s TV programs as a result (see Herman, Pee Wee). For as far as dealing with 'The Money Shot' its always a nice idea to see if she'll drop her head onto your man piston and finish the job like a real pro. If she does that, I suggest marrying her, immediately. If not, cleanup can be done efficiently by shooting your baby batter into your popcorn box, or maybe a box of peanut M&Ms. Getting some chocolate on your johnson could lead to some kinky fun when the movie is finally over.                       |
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