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You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.| 101 Reasons Why You're Not Manly |
| Tuesday, 16 October 2007 | |
 There's a lot of talk nowadays about the whole nauseating phenomenon of 'metrosexuality' being no longer the 'in' thing to be, and I say good riddance. For too long have we, the common man, been subject to this over-gelled, fake and baked, fendi fanny pack wearing sub-species of man. I am thrilled that the powers that be have put an end to this scourge upon humanity once and for all. Anyone who still insisted on continuing this revolting lifestyle should be clubbed like a seal. If you or someone you love is trying to wane themselves off this overtly feminine lifestyle fad, have no fear. Old Dirty Blog is proud to present to you a checklist that will help you overcome this brash sissiness, and bring back the manly cock-swinging sex commando that lies in all of us (well, almost all of us). 101 Reasons Why You're Not Manly: 101. After sex, you want to talk about your feelings, not quietly reminisce about how badly you just violated that poor girl. 100. You eat asparagus 99. You have a steering wheel cover than is a color other than gunmetal or black 98. You use condoms 97. Your favorite professional wrestler was The Mountie, and you couldn't believe they kept letting Bret Hart beat the snot out of him on a regular basis 96. After you spank off, you feel kind of sad, and maybe get a little misty 95. Sometimes, you sit on your hand until it goes numb and then stroke off because your buddies told you that it feels like someone else is doing it, when in reality, it just feels kind of weird. 94. You think sex in public places is disrespectful 93. You don't think you could get it up in a public place because you'd get stage fright 92. When ordering breakfast, you order egg whites 91. You'd rather go to spring break in Cabo St. Lucas then go drinking in the Great White North 90. You've had "dry sex" before....you know, its the act of humping someones jeans until you drop a load of screw goo in your boxers, then talk about it afterwards. It's heinous. 89. You think the international ban on whaling is a good idea 88. You haven't yet realized that girls would much rather jerk you off in a movie theatre then silently watch a movie 87. Sloppy seconds, to you, are a bad thing 86. Sloppy thirds, to you, are completely out of the question 85. You don't realize that even if you get sloppy fourths, it's better than stroking your beef bayonet by yourself 84. You've been to Tuckermax.com, and think he's funny 83. You're not really a sports fan, but "you always watch the playoffs" 82. You don't think it's awesome that Britney Spears has become a drunken, drugged out slam hog 81. .... and people believe you when you say you wouldn't still hit it 80. You admit to people that you cried in any movie other than Rudy, Ryan's Song, Patton or Braveheart 79. You've nailed more than one chick that you met on myspace.com 78. You comb myspace looking for 'action' 77. You think hot busty chicks are really sitting at home fingering themselves waiting for you to contact them via the Internet 76. You think the phrase "if there's grass on the field, play ball" refers to international soccer or Australian rules football 75. You sometimes drink white wine with dinner because it "pairs well" with what you've ordered. 74. You frown upon people who drink Wild Turkey because it probably means they're alcoholics 73.You 're not the least bit interested in finding out what Quaaludes are 72.You cuddle 71. To you, Starship was a pretty good band 70. You didn't laugh when Jenny died in Forrest Gump. That skank had it coming. 69. You like your steaks well done because you want to make sure you don't contract any food borne diseases 68. There have been times when you recieved a blowjob, and it was not awesome 67. Salad tossing is most definitely NOT for you 66. When you hear the term "halfback option" you think it's in reference to a tag sale at Walgreens 65. You use astro-glide, not your own saliva 64. You don't think AIDS jokes are funny. ever. 63. At Wrestlemania VII, you're favorite match was the Ultimate Warrior vs. Randy Savage because it had an "emotional ending." 62. You actually stopped someone from giving you a hummer once because she used her teeth 61. You told the truth when you said "Baby, I'm gonna pull out. Don't worry." 60. Paying for sex is an awful idea to you. 59. You have no idea who Lexington Steele is 58. If asked, you could not explain the most effective way to wash cock mustard out of the human eye 57. You've never asked a girl to "keep the hooker boots on" 56. You don't have any weird medical conditions, and still order Diet Coke when you go out to eat. 55. You believe Tucker Max's stories 54. You can name more than one American Idol winner 53. You don't wish the guy who narrated the old-school NFL films could voice over everything on television forever, including your homemade sex tapes 52. You've never used the "just the tip" line on a woman with any success 51. You find this website repugnant and degrading 50. You think Alex Rodriguez is less of a man for running around on his wife even though he hit 53 homers while doing so 49. When you think of rocket sauce, combustible ingnition fluid comes to mind 48. You keep condoms in your wallet, just in case you have to wrap it up on short notice, or a hooker asks you for ID 47. You're under the impression that none of your friends have ever paid for sex 46. Your idea of 'dinner and a movie' is not performing cunnilingus one someone and taping it 45. When asked to name the 10 most awesome people ever, you do not mention Mr. T 44. You admire Wilt Chamberlain most for scoring 100 points in a single game, not banging more chicks than Gene Simmons and Slash combined. 43. You have a profile on both facebook and myspace 42. A woman has never screamed your name in a situation that did not involve playing "red rover", or slapping you with a restraining order. 41. Your favorite part of Silence of the Lambs involves the "mangina" 40. Your Spanish may not be very good, but you have a pretty fluent understanding of pig-latin and Klingon 39. You are playing World of Warcraft while reading this blog 38. You have masturbated and cried simultaneously 37. You've looked a woman in the eyes while having sex with the TV on 36. You'd nail Judge Judy if you had slung back a few brews 35. You'd nail Judge Judy sober 35. Undaunted, you continue to use Durex condoms even though you've been told they "feel like sandpaper on my cooter" by more than one girl 34. After watching "300" you don't feel like kicking someone in the solar plexus and yelling "This is Spartaaaaaaaa!" 33. You frown upon people who funnel Franzia boxed wine for sport 32. You've watched more than 5 minutes of Dr. Phil's show, even by accident 31. You're considering voting for Hillary Clinton 30. Never did it occur to you that it might be cool if they actually showed a naked picture of Bea Arthur in 'Airheads' 29. You've never considered dropping the donkey punch on someone, even for the slightest moment while highly intoxicated 28. You think the 'Houston 500' is an auto race 27. You live in an area where there is more than one local sports team to root for (New York, LA, Chicago, etc) but, you choose to root for them both, especially if one of them is having a winning season. 26. You've masturbated while reading this list 25. You order Michelob Ultra with confidence at bars, and do not have any serious health problems 24. You order your salad dressing on the side 23. You've never asked a woman to call you "Don Mexico" during sex 22. You did not cheer when Hulk Hogan made one of 23 comebacks 21. You've stated in public that you wouldn't shag Brooke Hogan 20. If asked, you couldn't explain the "Texas Hotplate" in detail 19. You believed a woman when she told you she doesn't masturbate 18. If you met Peter North in person, your first instinct would not be to genuflect to show how unworthy you are 17. Your favorite character in The Lord of the Rings movies was Mr. Frodo 16. One time, when you had a broken arm, or were in a neck brace, your girlfriend changed a tire for you. 15. You keep missing Monday Night Football because that kid on "Two and a Half Men" is just sooooo funny 14. You've never blown a load in a chick's mouth, even thought she clearly and discreetly told you she didn't want you to. 13. You are a practicing homosexual who is not bad ass 12. The idea of shagging your ex's slutty younger sister in efforts to extort revenge is not appealing to you at all. 11. Lean pockets are your favorite snack 10. You believed Bill Clinton when he denied vaginally probing Monica Lewinsky, and still think politicians, by and large, are decent people. 9. If a naked woman was lain on a table in front of you, you'd have trouble finding the taint 8. You purchased Tucker Max's book 7. Sometimes, you just really need a warm glass of milk after sex 6. The CD that is currently in your car is one you'd never want your friends to see 5. You've never tried to upsell doggstyle to your girl as a way you can both watch television while getting your rocks off 4. You eat Quiche when sober 3. One time, you jerked off and thought about Oprah 2. You are still playing World of Warcraft 1. You're just not into anal sex, because it feels kind of awkward and you just don't see what everyone else is talking about.                       |
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