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You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.| Massage Parlors: Don't Let Them Rub You the Wrong Way |
| Thursday, 26 July 2007 | |
 We've all seen them before- the dingy little place with the closed curtains that's open all hours of the night. It's probably centrally located by a stretch of bars and strip clubs, and almost definitely named after a city in Japan- like 'Osaka' or 'Tokyo'. The sign out front says they offer 'spa services'- but do not be fooled. In reality, they are selling something far more enticing- young, sultry, illegal sex acts straight from the Far East. The decision to enter a often a move veiled in secrecy, and fuelled by a lot of booze- and I mean, like a serious surplus of sake bombs. I recommend going in with only one friend- a man that you trust, and, more importantly, has just as much to lose by his wife/girlfriend/sister finding out about his late night excursion into the mysterious world of oriental rubdowns. I highly recommend a fast, and nondescript entrance. Make sure you are not being followed by law enforcement, or a minivan being driven by an angry woman in a nightgown. When you go in, it's a lot like looking for a table in a restaurant. Just picture yourself in a very shady sushi joint where, instead of ginger ice cream, your desert is the hammer-jerking of your man piston. Get that picture in your head, and you'll be fine to proceed. "Two, please?" Now, the following series of acts differ from place to place- but almost everywhere, a marginally attractive Asian woman takes you into a private room and scrubs you down. This is probably so they can make sure you don't have tuberculosis, or rift valley fever, or something. Usually it is unwise to make sexual advances at the women during their time of concentration. Behaving badly will probably cause them to send in the fattest, grimiest, hairiest whore they have at their disposal to give you a "massage" later. Usually, whoever pays (and you're paying upfront) gets the prettier girl and the better soap. It's simple capitalism. Some "classy" joints like to put you in a sauna and throw you a magazine. Some even offer you booze. Don't drink too much. It's probably got ruffies in it- unless you're into that kind of sick nasty depraved narcoleptic sex pistol shoving kind of stuff. Then, its 'business time'. What will happen is you'll be laying on some kind of mat, getting a deep tissue message that feels kind of nice. By this time, they will have made a player substitution, and bought out their hottest former Thai pinup model from their stockpile of Asian chicks. Then, when you least expect it, a hand will reach into your inner thigh region so subtly that you don't even notice at first. Then, in a move reminiscent of an Olympic level Greco-Roman wrestler, the girl flips you over on your back, and then begins to jerk your rod with vigor and zest the likes of which you have never experienced before. Until this exact moment of your life, you will not think it was possible to zonk a man's zebra as well as this girl does. It is possible that your one eyed sex cyclops might actually catch fire all the friction taking place on the shaft.  Now, while you're enjoying this life-altering hand job- she will begin to offer you other services- such as a blowie for 50 bucks more- and she might even offer to let you ride the Pan-Asian pain train for a Benjamin. The decision to do this is completely yours- but it is never wise, in any situation to make economic decisions with a far eastern whore manhandling your Johnson- and that's a tip you can take to the bank. When you leave, you and your buddy hopefully avoid a "John Sting", or a raid by local police. Then, I recommend finding a quiet place, and weeping silently. The smell of oriental hooker sex lube will wash off your package in 7-10 business days.                       |
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