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You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.| A Muff Dive That Will Live in Infamy |
| Wednesday, 25 July 2007 | |
 There was a girl I once knew that we used to affectionately call "Double D Denise"- for obvious reasons. This girl had it all- jugs the size of the Uganda, a great body, and a relentless desire to party. The Gods of casual slams really broke the mold when they made her. One night, DD and I were getting cozy at a local watering hole and I was able to politely ask her if she wanted to come back to my apartment for a little post-bar fondling. She warmed to the idea, and I took her back to the house that I shared with many jealous roommates. They are overawed when they saw DD lead me into my room by my sex hose, looking like she was already as saturated as the rainforest in the afternoon. After several minutes of heavy petting and over-the pants groping, I decided it was time to move downstairs. I should take this time to mention that I am a certifiable muff diving master. I can perform cunnigulus with the best of them, having studied Peter North videos for countless hours, selflessly perfecting my technique. It was dark in my room. I wanted DD to be comfortable while I pounded her with my man piston. But, I hadn't gotten there yet. As any real man knows, warming her up with a little bit of twat licking is a surefire way to be welcomed into the vaginal canal with open arms. I progress downstairs, and suddenly I taste something that reminds me of the time my buddy Pat made me eat grass on a dare. Clearly I must be hallucinating. I let my hand glide town to DD's southern hemisphere and I discover something that has haunted my dreams forever- a muff that's as hairy as Musk ox. It was awful. How was I supposed to stick my face in this? I would feel like I was burying my chin into the Unabomber’s beard. I looked up at her, and saw those amazing fun bags. I thought of my sick, perverse friends who were probably listening to her moan from outside my door. I realized that I had to do this for the cause and for prosperity- so I decided to go ahead and lick DD's box regardless of the hairy, nasty muff. I thought maybe it was a cultural thing, but I wasn't sure what her ethnic background was, other than 'big-breasted and hot.' So, I plunge my tongue into this nasty, crusty, wolly vagina. My face entering into this hairy underworld sounds kind of like the sound rice krispies make when you cover them with milk. I slither my tongue into this pit of nastiness. Now, most muffs taste like salty, pre-frozen calamari to me. I think that most people can agree on that. If you take the same calamari, and left it out in the sun for six days, then covered it in salmonella and pureed it, that’s what DD's snatch tasted like. It was horrible. It was so god-awfully throat wrenching that I gagged, and then i felt all of the Bush light and cheap tequila I had consumed come rushing back up my throat I fought it back down. It was a good thing that we were using my roommate Kyle's bed for this affair, or I would have been upset. "Keep going baby, I'm so wet," she said, much to my complete shock. But I couldn't keep going. My body was begging to atrophy at the nastiness before me. I looked up one more time at those beautiful mountains of happiness- and I decided I could be a hero and try again. This time it was way worse. As hard as I tried, I couldn't hold back the rush of all the booze, and probably the Philly cheese steak I had consumed for dinner. After first coming out of my nose, the floodgates opened, and I spewed all over Kyle's bed- getting a great deal of recycled beer in that nappy mess she called a sex organ. Needless to say, DD stormed out without even taking her bra with her. She later attempted to tell her friends how small my sex sword was, but this story quickly materialized and quieted her forever. I think she ended up moving out of town to proliferate her smelly, hairy snatch trap someplace else.                       |
that was CLASSIC!
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