| She'll Ride You Harder If She Thinks You Know Nick Carter |
| Tuesday, 21 August 2007 | |
 Whoever said honesty is always the best policy obviously never picked up sluts at a bar. Lying to drunken girls in the hopes that they'll show you a wider spread than a Colts - Raiders game is a right of passage for American males. But if you're going to attempt to get some hottie to spit on your man meat, then you need to know what you're doing.My many years of not-so-honest interaction with women has taught me all the do's and don'ts of the lying game. First off, if you're going to lie go all out. Don't just say you're a lawyer; tell her you got Craig T. Nelson off for a double murder. There's a fundamental rule when it comes to lying to sluts: the bigger the lie the more they’ll put out. One of my favorite moves is to tell a few girls at a bar or a house party that I'm the assistant producer for Entourage (any popular show will do). After a couple of minutes of yapping to this slut, a friend of mine will come over and casually ask "Hey Brian, how's Entourage going? This works especially well if you have one of your cooler girl friends act as your wing man. Trust me, girls are more likely to believe bullshit from other girls. Once they've heard one or more of your friends come over and ask you about the show they'll do anything you want for the rest of the night, including any sick stuff you may be into like ass to mouth, salad tossing or the frosty walrus. I suggest renting a cheap motel room with one of those heart-shaped hot tubs that is guaranteed to give you a urinary tract infection. You could also follow my friend Guy who has this classic move: sit in a bar that's not too busy and whose patrons include a group of good looking hopefully not catholic school educated girls. Now, for this to work you need to have scouted the right bar and you need to have your set up men ready (although women will work better in this situation). Sit near the group of girls and at some point have your friends come over and say something to the effect of "Hey, I'm sorry to bother you but I'm such a huge fan. Do you mind if I get your autograph? Then just play it cool and it's only a matter of time until they're mounting you like you're Secretariat at the Belmont Stakes. I've seen this move with my own eyes and it works. The same friend and I were at a house party one night and he told a couple of girls that he was Matt Damon's stunt double in Rounders. It was easily the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard, especially as my friend looked nothing like Matt Damon. But at the end of the night those girls were back at our place and while I was busy scrambling some internal organs with my man piston I distinctly heard the girl in his room yelling "Give it to me Matt Damon." There's one key thing to remember if you're going to try this strategy: don't say that you do something if you know nothing about that particular avenue. I was out the other night and for whatever reason I had a bandana on (I think I got drunk and listened to an old Marshall Tucker Band record). A cute girl with lust in her eyes asked me if I rode a motorcycle. I immediately told her no, at which point she lost all interest. Why did I do this? Because I know absolutely nothing about motorcycles and would not have been able to answer a single follow up question. Plus it's probably not a good idea to mess around with biker girls if you aren't a biker yourself, you’ll probably end up with something ridiculous shoved up your crack…and don’t ask me why I know this. Remember gentlemen: no lie is too big if you know how to tell it. Hell, I once told a girl I opened for George Carlin at the Hampton Beach Ballroom Casino. Always make sure your friends have your back though, and always have theirs. Work as a team and you will be on pace for a legendary night.                       |
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