Just your everyday stuck up, tasteless, male humor blog. I talk about everything from my crazy sex antics to helping you accomplish yours. Love it or hate it, you are still reading the best trash on the web.
Login
Subscribe to ODB
.
My blogging excellence has awarded with this really cool nomination. Please vote for this blog, and I will redouble my efforts to provide classy, refined sexual trash for your reading pleasure.
You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.
So give it a shot. You know you want to. Send me your dirtiest tale or tip and I may publish it here on Old Dirty Blog. Who knows? It might inspire me to go off into the world and use your tactics to spread some sex sauce all over some young coed, and of course write about it here.
It's 4 am, you've been drinking all night with your buddies, the girls have already left and there are only two options left: take turns wearing a blindfold and dishing out handies, or open the phone book and find a single mom who needs cash now. Calling an escort is a right of passage for all young American males and it's important to know how to make the most of the experience. Hey, if you're going to play STD Russian roulette you may as well go all out. The following is pretty much every experience I've ever had with a cum-catcher for hire.
When she arrives you should offer her a drink, but nothing good of course. You wouldn't enter a donkey in the Kentucky Derby, so why would you pour Hennessey into some desperate, disease ridden slam pig? Grab her Popov rocks, or a warm can of Genesee (drugging her isn't mandatory, but it certainly can't hurt) and make some small talk with her. Use this time to develop a strategy for implementing some kind of depraved sex act on this unsuspecting gutter slut (see “Oops! Accidental Anal and You” or “Peek-a-boo” for ideas).
After you've developed an entrance strategy take her to your sister’s room and have at it. She'll feel you up for a while and then after your pants come off she'll put the rubber on with her mouth and perform the coveted hooker BJ. While she's going to town on your yogurt cannon, be sure to call her by degrading names. After all, if you call your girlfriend a worthless prostitute she'll probably stop what she's doing. But then again, she doesn't have to use the Sunday comics as diapers for her two kids from different daddies. After she's worked your now herpes infested man piston, it's time to put her on her hands and knees and get your money’s worth.
The best part of tearing up hooker box is that you can bury to the hilt with impunity. Seriously, try to scramble some organs. If she doesn't need dialysis after you're done with her, then you didn't get your money's worth. Also important: every now and then while you're slamming into her, be sure to look down to make sure your condom is still on and in-tact. In the case that it isn't withdraw from her and immediately apply rubbing alcohol and raid to your Johnson. You should have both things in close proximity. The last thing you need is to be baby daddy number seven.
If all is going well, it's time to go “Greek". This is where the "oops" move can work to your benefit, though truth be told I cannot in good conscience advise anyone to butt blast a call girl. But if you're braver than I then go for it. If she objects you may have to throw some more cash at her, probably 20 to 100 dollars depending on how much abuse she took as a child (this is where drugging her earlier may help). While taking her butt bowling you must make her call you Ron Mexico.
When you're ready to let fly your baby batter, try to negotiate a money shot. If she agrees but charges you for it, be sure to get it in her hair. Once finished, be sure to hurry her out of your house before your sister gets home from her actual date and then take a rape shower (the rubbing alcohol and raid combo is still useable here). While you're trying to sleep you will promise yourself that you will never do that again, which is a sad lie. Just remember, at least your life isn't as bad as hers.
We've all seen the metro sexual before. Usually mere eye contact is enough to educe nausea, heartburn, and many other things that only Pepto-Bismol can cure. Out at bars and clubs, he will prance around like a peacock in his pink polo shirt, nautical themed belt and bleached jeans purchased from a Quiet Riot yard sale.
Metro sexual men who do not enjoy the being throttled in the buttocks by other metro sexual men are certifiable snatch hounds who usually consume club girls in the same manner as Rosie O'Donnell at a buffet. They use their false charm, trendy floral body spray and horrific pick up lines to convince club girls that it is not only the right idea, but the socially acceptable move to allow them into their sex sanctum. As horrific as it may sound, you usually can find fake tanner smudged all over the mattress of a respectable club girls bed the next morning.
Defeating a metro sexual man for the honor of who gets to take come any woman in a complex and booze-filled social setting is certainly a tough undertaking. But, if you follow my simple instructions, even a guy like my buddy Pat, who is a level 99 dungeon master from the planet of Mordor, can take home a randy club girl for a rollicking mouthful of rocket sauce, and send metro sexual man home to cry into his satin sheets.
The metro sexual man infiltrates a dance floor using a series of gyrations and hip thrusts that VH1 deems as 'cool'. Do not be alarmed. While women unfortunately are often fooled by this bizarre mating ritual, you should enter the dance floor setting undaunted, using non-flashy, yet still rhythmic moves that do not involve the "white boy overbite" or "the lawn mower." Those kinds of things only lead to disaster, or even worse, unwanted attention from chubby club girls.
You need to portray yourself as a smart alternative to the George Michael impersonator you're competing against. When talking to girls, often say "look at that ass-clown," or "no self-respecting man wears a fuchsia shirt." You need to convince your target vagina that she could never see herself getting pumped full of throat yogurt by someone who insists to keep his Gucci sunglasses on the whole time. She will not be allured by his Boy George charm when the metro sexual man throws this club girl his well rehearsed and intellectually damaging pickup lines this way.
Also, buy the club girl a beer. Not a cosmopolitan or a champagne cocktail, a friggin’ beer. Domestic beer is best. She'll burn off the calories taking the Pile Driver for three hours on the back porch of her parents’ house later on, so don't worry. Metro men don't drink beer- they've been known to set up shop at bars that sell high class sparkling water and vodka with berries in it.
It is also key that you do not dance in a circle with your fellow guy friends. I don't care if "Livin’ on a Prayer" is playing and you’ve had nine beers. Fight the temptation to rock out with your cock out in a circle full of wiener. It will look to others like foreplay for a game of ookie-cookie. Metro sexual men, conversely, love to fist-pump in a circle with their guy friends when something along the lines of "Like a Virgin" comes on.
It is actually when the metro sexual men are frolicking amongst themselves and loudly exclaiming "I love this song!" that you can make your move. Swoop in like the blue collar working class hero you are, and take her back to a sports bar for a game of darts, and a pint of cock mustard later on.
No matter what our individual goals in life may be we all share the desire to have not only one, but two girls jousting back and forth with your humping lance. This is America, afer all. We are all endowed with the unalienable rights to life liberty, and three way sex. That being said, if you follow these steps I took you will exponentially improve your odds of drawing double coverage next time you go deep
Anyway, I had been dating a girl "Shannon" for a while and I knew she was at least open to the idea. She would kiss her girlfriends when she was drunk, so I figured there would be a chance that she would be into a "special guest star" the next time I gave her the piledriver. It is key to make sure that she is at least somewhat open to the idea, even if not completely willing. If you get the vibe that she would never even kiss a girl (or if she tells you this outright) then move on to someone else- like her sister or roommate. That will teach her not to be into the six-holed shuffle.
We're all familiar with how subliminal messaging works. Dropping subtle hints is really important here. Don't just call her up and say "Listen, you know how you like tuna so much? Why not try vagina?"
Or, if I had just left some screw-goo on her face I'd mention that giving her and another girl a spray down is my ultimate fantasy. I was always reassuring her, but I didn't overdo it. There's a fine line between subtle suggestion and obnoxious nagging. It’s important to note that if your girl has said something to the effect of: "Well, I might be willing to do it if it was with the right girl" then you're in.
So now I had Shannon ready and it was time to find slut number two. Instead, I suggested her friend "Jenny". Jenny was busty, adventurous and insecure. I mean, hey, they've kissed before and if Shannon is willing to visit the all you can eat calamari buffet, why not Jenny? Jenny and I shared a class together, so I subtly mentioned that she should come out with Shannon and I, who she thought was pretty “smokin’."
The plan was to meet up at a bar for a few drinks and then head back to my place. Now, I chose this particular bed of scotch and sin because it was nicer than a college bar and I knew we wouldn't run into anyone we knew (distractions would only hurt my odds of success). Getting sloshed out at the bar is a rookie mistake which can lead to people feeling sick, having to pee too much, etc. Also an important note: I didn't talk about the dirty three way suck fest that would be going down later that night. I kept the conversation casual, the girls laughing, and the drinks coming. Now it was time to head back to the apartment.
I had some nice wine waiting for them when at my place. Be sure to make the event classy, right up to the point when you're playing whack-a-hole). While enjoying a few drinks, I busted out my ace-in-the-hole, “strip dice”. The easiest way to get girls naked is a fun game, and I highly recommend strip dice. After a few drinks and a few rolls, we were naked and ready to stain the sheets.
I wanted this to be an ongoing event, so I had to do it right. Lots of kissing and groping of the fun-bags to start (believe me, foreplay is a lot more fun when there's two sex caves present). Sure, it was only a matter of time until I'd be filling more holes than a funeral director, but why rush it? I started slow, switched mouths a lot, busted up some internal organs and then gave the two of them my holy spooge communion. Success! The depraved acts that went down that night would become a regular occurrence for quite some time. Or at least until they stopped avoiding eye contact with me in the dorms.
There are about as many sex positions that have been conjured by the imagination of man as there are fish in the ocean. Truly, penetration junkies are always looking for new ways to mangle each other. When young, flexible and adventurous there are many things you're willing to try. Some things work, and some things end up with her filing federal charges (see "The Oops" or "The Kansas City Doggy Style Shuffle").
I am here to tell you of the most effective sex position that exists in the world today- the Pile Driver.
The Pile Driver is named after a now-outlawed pro wrestling maneuver used to great effectiveness by one of my heroes, Jerry "the King" Lawler. The Pile Driver was used to drive a dude's head into the mat while holding it in place with your things.
The real Pile Driver involved your man piston used at an elevated angle, thusly driving it into your target like a patriot missile.
From start to finish, you can begin to employ the Pile Driver from standard missionary position. Thusly, it will not me met with shock and disgust, much like it's cousin, the "oops". While pounding at her humping cage simple take both of her legs and put them on your shoulders. Everyone enjoys this position. But, in order to ensure a heroic, Jacques Cousteau-like level of penetration, you need to squat in a frog-like position, and elevate her buttocks. Some real cowboys, like myself, tend to imply the use of a pillow below the ass. For a variation of this move, put both legs over one shoulder, and rotate them throughout this entire awe-inspiring episode.
Women become addicted to the Pile Driver. It's like sex crack. They're going to want it everywhere, and all the time- and that's just fine, because it is a very portable position. Since you end up bending her like a spooge-filled accordion during this act, the Pile Driver is perfect for use in the back of the family sedan, or on top of the toilet seat in an airport bathroom.
Be warned, with the knowledge of the Pile Driver comes an awesome level of responsibility. Since you possess knowledge of how to pleasure her like a $1,000 an hour porn star or a $50 Asian hooker (see the post below), you need to use this wisely- like when you did something really stupid, or would really like some pancakes in the morning.
We've all seen them before- the dingy little place with the closed curtains that's open all hours of the night. It's probably centrally located by a stretch of bars and strip clubs, and almost definitely named after a city in Japan- like 'Osaka' or 'Tokyo'. The sign out front says they offer 'spa services'- but do not be fooled. In reality, they are selling something far more enticing- young, sultry, illegal sex acts straight from the Far East.
The decision to enter a often a move veiled in secrecy, and fuelled by a lot of booze- and I mean, like a serious surplus of sake bombs. I recommend going in with only one friend- a man that you trust, and, more importantly, has just as much to lose by his wife/girlfriend/sister finding out about his late night excursion into the mysterious world of oriental rubdowns.
I highly recommend a fast, and nondescript entrance. Make sure you are not being followed by law enforcement, or a minivan being driven by an angry woman in a nightgown.
When you go in, it's a lot like looking for a table in a restaurant. Just picture yourself in a very shady sushi joint where, instead of ginger ice cream, your desert is the hammer-jerking of your man piston. Get that picture in your head, and you'll be fine to proceed.
"Two, please?"
Now, the following series of acts differ from place to place- but almost everywhere, a marginally attractive Asian woman takes you into a private room and scrubs you down. This is probably so they can make sure you don't have tuberculosis, or rift valley fever, or something. Usually it is unwise to make sexual advances at the women during their time of concentration. Behaving badly will probably cause them to send in the fattest, grimiest, hairiest whore they have at their disposal to give you a "massage" later. Usually, whoever pays (and you're paying upfront) gets the prettier girl and the better soap. It's simple capitalism.
Some "classy" joints like to put you in a sauna and throw you a magazine. Some even offer you booze. Don't drink too much. It's probably got ruffies in it- unless you're into that kind of sick nasty depraved narcoleptic sex pistol shoving kind of stuff.
Then, its 'business time'. What will happen is you'll be laying on some kind of mat, getting a deep tissue message that feels kind of nice. By this time, they will have made a player substitution, and bought out their hottest former Thai pinup model from their stockpile of Asian chicks. Then, when you least expect it, a hand will reach into your inner thigh region so subtly that you don't even notice at first. Then, in a move reminiscent of an Olympic level Greco-Roman wrestler, the girl flips you over on your back, and then begins to jerk your rod with vigor and zest the likes of which you have never experienced before. Until this exact moment of your life, you will not think it was possible to zonk a man's zebra as well as this girl does. It is possible that your one eyed sex cyclops might actually catch fire all the friction taking place on the shaft.
Now, while you're enjoying this life-altering hand job- she will begin to offer you other services- such as a blowie for 50 bucks more- and she might even offer to let you ride the Pan-Asian pain train for a Benjamin. The decision to do this is completely yours- but it is never wise, in any situation to make economic decisions with a far eastern whore manhandling your Johnson- and that's a tip you can take to the bank.
When you leave, you and your buddy hopefully avoid a "John Sting", or a raid by local police. Then, I recommend finding a quiet place, and weeping silently. The smell of oriental hooker sex lube will wash off your package in 7-10 business days.
You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.
.
It's 4 am, you've been drinking all night with your buddies, the girls have already left and there are only two options left: take turns wearing a blindfold and dishing out handies, or open the phone book and find a single mom who needs cash now. Calling an escort is a right of passage for all young American males and it's important to know how to make the most of the experience. Hey, if you're going to play STD Russian roulette you may as well go all out. The following is pretty much every experience I've ever had with a cum-catcher for hire.
We've all seen the metro sexual before. Usually mere eye contact is enough to educe nausea, heartburn, and many other things that only Pepto-Bismol can cure. Out at bars and clubs, he will prance around like a peacock in his pink polo shirt, nautical themed belt and bleached jeans purchased from a Quiet Riot yard sale. 
No matter what our individual goals in life may be we all share the desire to have not only one, but two girls jousting back and forth with your humping lance. This is America, afer all. We are all endowed with the unalienable rights to life liberty, and three way sex. That being said, if you follow these steps I took you will exponentially improve your odds of drawing double coverage next time you go deep 
There are about as many sex positions that have been conjured by the imagination of man as there are fish in the ocean. Truly, penetration junkies are always looking for new ways to mangle each other. When young, flexible and adventurous there are many things you're willing to try. Some things work, and some things end up with her filing federal charges (see "The Oops" or "The Kansas City Doggy Style Shuffle"). 
Women become addicted to the Pile Driver. It's like sex crack. They're going to want it everywhere, and all the time- and that's just fine, because it is a very portable position. Since you end up bending her like a spooge-filled accordion during this act, the Pile Driver is perfect for use in the back of the family sedan, or on top of the toilet seat in an airport bathroom.
We've all seen them before- the dingy little place with the closed curtains that's open all hours of the night. It's probably centrally located by a stretch of bars and strip clubs, and almost definitely named after a city in Japan- like 'Osaka' or 'Tokyo'. The sign out front says they offer 'spa services'- but do not be fooled. In reality, they are selling something far more enticing- young, sultry, illegal sex acts straight from the Far East. 
Now, while you're enjoying this life-altering hand job- she will begin to offer you other services- such as a blowie for 50 bucks more- and she might even offer to let you ride the Pan-Asian pain train for a Benjamin. The decision to do this is completely yours- but it is never wise, in any situation to make economic decisions with a far eastern whore manhandling your Johnson- and that's a tip you can take to the bank.