Just your everyday stuck up, tasteless, male humor blog. I talk about everything from my crazy sex antics to helping you accomplish yours. Love it or hate it, you are still reading the best trash on the web.
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My blogging excellence has awarded with this really cool nomination. Please vote for this blog, and I will redouble my efforts to provide classy, refined sexual trash for your reading pleasure.
You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.
So give it a shot. You know you want to. Send me your dirtiest tale or tip and I may publish it here on Old Dirty Blog. Who knows? It might inspire me to go off into the world and use your tactics to spread some sex sauce all over some young coed, and of course write about it here.
In the game of life, you deal with tiny issues every day. Bills, acne and Dr. Phil are among the more annoying, yet trite problems one comes across, assesses, and manages on a daily basis. But, there are some problems so massive, so stupefying in nature that they command your undivided and relentless attention for a prolonged period of time.
A set of circumstances that requires the most immediate, swift and decisive action is if your girlfriend/sex-buddy/wife is not blowing you.
Oral sex is the lifeblood of all men. Despite the world's differences, conflicts and sporting rivalries- every man on earth can agree that blow jobs are awesome. Even a bad blowjob, involving a girl nibbling on your stick like corn on the cob is still amazing. Without a good hummer every now and again, we cannot walk confidently through life knowing that, if only for a few minutes (and preferably while watching a sporting event and drinking beer) a woman completely degraded herself by lapping up your awesome sauce like a Scottish Terrier.
That is why it is a cause for incredible concern if your girl will not blow you. But, do not despair. There are steps that one can take to alleviate problems like this, no matter how bleak the circumstances look.
First of all, she needs to know that sucking a penis is not a bad thing- its natural. Everyone does it. Talk to her female friends and acquaintances- most of have to smoke a pole every now and again. If none of her friends huff a little dong every now and again- it’s time to move on.
If they do, then explain that they need to casually mention to your girl that blowjobs are fun, easy, and enjoyable for everyone. This is an outright lie, but if it wasn’t for alcohol and dishonesty you probably wouldn't be with this girl in the first place. Let's be real here.
On a side note, while explaining how distraught you are about your lack of head, you might want to mention that her friend should blow you, just so you can feel like a man again. That might not have a high success rate but its worth trying.
If that doesn't work- expose her to blowjobs in TV and film. There are many movies, such as "Requiem for a Dream" and "The World According to Garp" that glorify the act of penis licking, ball smothering fun.
If THAT doesn't work, why not try gently pushing her head towards your little sex syrup slinger while she's giving you a hand job? Maybe being right up and close by your penis will make her wonder to herself "wow, maybe it would be enjoyable if i placed this heinous looking appendage into my mouth? and maybe manipulated those hairy genitals?"
Stranger things have happened.
If that doesn't work, I recommend a good mistress. Maybe two.
I think it's time I got something off my chest- and it's horrible. I feel like this blog is an outlet for me to really come clean about what, until recently, I thought to be a major personality flaw of mine.
I love to have angry sex.
Seriously, I need to be absolutely repulsed by a woman in order to enjoy shagging her. I need a chick to be lying, repugnant filth, like the kind that contributes to this website, to even get slightly chubbed up in the 'nether regions.'
Now I'm not into being smacked around or anything- don’t take me from some leather-bound 'Machine' look-alike, but it is an unequivocal truth that I can't sleep with a chick unless she is being rude, insensitive, and bull headed.
Angry sex is better than any kind of lovey-dovey ultra mushy "act of affection" that has ever been attempted. Cuddling and caressing are replaced with spitting swearing, and maneuvering that more closely resembles an Islander-Ranger game than a cozy satin sheets love fest.
I don't cuddle after a wild session of anger banging. I usually light up a smoke and smack someone in the mouth. That's the difference.
I think more people should anger bang. Imagine if all of those uptight idiots on daytime TV had rousing bouts of angry intercourse every day? Maybe they wouldn't act like they had a uranium rod in their rectum. I mean hell, if Dr Phil could once allow himself to rip into that annoying wife of his like a pillaging viking, then he would realize how much of a douche people think he is and quit showbiz forever.
At the very top of the list of zany sex antics that I have pulled off in my long storied history is the "peek a boo", which is known in some kinkier circles as the "Kansas City doggy style shuffle." I don't know how the second name came about. It's origin, like many weird nicknames will probably be shrouded in mystery forever.
But alas, the Peek-a-boo began one night long ago when I bought a young starlet home to my room. She was quite drunk and ready to rumble. Now, I would not suggest doing this to just anyone. She has to be a girl that you don't particularly like- maybe an ex girlfriend or someone who parks illegally in handicapped spots. Also, this girl should also not be terribly bright, and should not have wealthy parents or a good attorney.
This girl fit every one of these requirements, plus she was a "butter face", you know, slammin’ body, monstrous breasts, and a face that got clobbered by the ugly stick.
That being said, this is how it worked. You need a ground floor room with a window. I know some chicks who like to stare into space when you're ramming in there doggy style- take advantage of this. I actually took her to the den of my parents house- because that's just how I roll, but apply your own standards and ingenuity to the situation.
So anyway, I was tearing into this girl dog style (anal is ok too, if you want an extra challenge), and my buddy Pat entered the room, unbeknownst to this girl and myself. I guess I had the music blasting too loud to notice anything including Pat standing there behind me until he tapped me on the shoulder. We both knew this was the perfect opportunity to attempt this outrageous move. I quickly exited the girl as Pat efficiently took the wheel.
Now, when your buddy gets going, you need to make a run for it- exit the building then go to the window she's looking out of- KNOCK ON IT, AND WAVE TO HER!
You know she's a good catch if she lets your friend finish pounding away before she attempts to castrate you. This girl actually didn't realize what was going on until Pat, a little too early for my liking, dumped about half a pint of cock mustard onto my mother's Persian rug. She never spoke to us again- but now that I'm older it's always fun to run into her at weddings and such.
Now, it's possible this act can be parlayed into a rodeo, which involves a video camera and a lot of shouting. But that, my friends, is a lesson for another day.
So really, when is it a good time to ask your girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, etc if it's a good time to stick your face in their buttocks in efforts of getting sexual pleasure?
Truly, that is a question for the ages.
Broaching the subject of ass-to-mouth relations is something that should be done extremely delicately. It is altogether common that this idea will be met with fear, or trepidation- and in some cases, mind-numbing amounts of rage and fury.
It's understandable to be a little bit leery of getting your "salad tossed," as the saying goes. The anus and the mouth really have nothing to do with each other. Some people are a little squeamish about putting something in an orifice that is usually reserved for things exiting the body, not the other way around.
It may be prudent to pretend like everyone is into the whole "salad tossing" thing. Why not make it sound like it's something perfectly natural for couples to engage in? Example "I did that whole ass to mouth thing with a few other girlfriends of mine, and we liked it. All my friends do it..."
Now, this will have two possible effects. If the person whose anal cavity you wish to invade is susceptible to peer pressure, you're in business- especially if there are low self-esteem issues involved.
Of course, if your sex partner is one of those independent-thinking self-actualized types, then you might be up shits creek. Usually, the more logical thought people put into the concept of butt-licking, the worse of an idea it seems. Our team of experts has also deemed that conservative minded people are especially hard to talk into asshole munching. It's simply a fact of life.
Its also important to note that just because all of the evidence points to someone being completely against "salad tossing" does not mean that it's a bad idea to bring it up. There are few universal laws of existence- the sky is blue, the grass is green, and shy, quiet girls are usually into freaky shit in bed.
It's also worth noting that if someone is super enthusiastic about someone licking his butt hole for pleasure, you may want to be worried. Too much ass to mouth action leads to things like donkey humping and the Texas hotplate- and I don't care who you care, you can't respect someone who likes the Texas hotplate. You just can't. But, if you're into that stuff, this site has articles about it that are both informative and stimulating.
One last thing that’s of extreme importance here is that you take a large risk, and often a step into the kinky unknown when you step into the kinky but enjoyable world of tossing salad. Sometimes you can never go back. There are girls who will kick you right in man mustard maker for even proposing the idea that she would enjoy your nasty, germ filled tongue fumbling around her anal cavity like a drunken Irish sailor.
We recommend that you should at least know your partner's last name, their place of birth, and the names of three of their friends before bringing up "salad tossing"- unless heavy drinking or illicit drugs are involved- in that case, you have a golden goddamn opportunity! go for it!
I'd like to dedicate this post to my friend Brett, who once told me that he wanted to get to know a woman on their first date, not try to get her to play with his penis- which is a horrible and tragic confusion that needs to be addressed immediately.
Many people casually encounter each other at work or through some mutual friends and decide to give romance a shot by going out for food, drinks or both. There was a time when this first romantic encounter was reserved for people to get to know one another, and see if they had some sort of romantic interest in each other. Back in the day, no one except the skankiest tramp around would go near the schlong on date one- and I think it had to do with being respected, or something.
THESE DAYS ARE OVER! You heard it here first: the face of dating has changed. Maybe it has something to with global warming- climate changes have warmed vaginas the world over to the point where any girl worth anything is willing to give you a handjob, or at least a casual dick tug, the first time you go out with her.
How is this possible, you may ask? How did we get here? That's something for a person who went to college to answer, not for me. I'm telling you what I know.
The formula to get finally get something other than yourself handling your johnson is actually pretty easy- take everything you had thought about first dates, and throw them out the window.
Don't take her to cafe “OO La La” or some cliché bistro on the upper west side. Today's fast-paced woman doesn't need that kind of wishy-washy crap- and Foie Gras is gross anyways. We want happy hour, we want excitement. They want a crowded bar where they can disappear, or find someone else's dick to stroke, if you turn out to be bizarre, or into Star Wars.
Don't talk about yourself. Really, if there's something they want to know, they will ask. Nowadays babes keep it simple- maybe re-hash some drinking stories from college- you know, about that incident when she took some Vicodin and her bra ended up on the lawn. If a woman begins to talk about her feelings, or her views on abortion- run like you have never run before.
It's okay to talk about your past sex life. Really, it'll be nice to know that someone else other than her has given you the eventual hand job you'll receive if you don't mess this up. Maybe if you're not a complete idiot you might even get farther than that, but that's for the second date.
Remember, a good rod tugging is like a handshake nowadays. It's a thank-you for spending 8 bucks a pop on my apple martinis and keeping her lonely, insecure self, company for the night. Around date three, after you've seen her naked, then we can talk about our hometowns, and what my last name is.
You've heard about my glorious tales of triumph and filth for over a month now. Let me hear what kind of crazed, deprived, horrific acts have you pulled off? I know they won't be as heinous as mine, but I'd sure love to hear about them.
.
In the game of life, you deal with tiny issues every day. Bills, acne and Dr. Phil are among the more annoying, yet trite problems one comes across, assesses, and manages on a daily basis. But, there are some problems so massive, so stupefying in nature that they command your undivided and relentless attention for a prolonged period of time. 
I think it's time I got something off my chest- and it's horrible. I feel like this blog is an outlet for me to really come clean about what, until recently, I thought to be a major personality flaw of mine. 
At the very top of the list of zany sex antics that I have pulled off in my long storied history is the "peek a boo", which is known in some kinkier circles as the "Kansas City doggy style shuffle." I don't know how the second name came about. It's origin, like many weird nicknames will probably be shrouded in mystery forever.
So really, when is it a good time to ask your girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, etc if it's a good time to stick your face in their buttocks in efforts of getting sexual pleasure? 
I'd like to dedicate this post to my friend Brett, who once told me that he wanted to get to know a woman on their first date, not try to get her to play with his penis- which is a horrible and tragic confusion that needs to be addressed immediately.